20-something Ramblings

a prayer of thankfulness

2012-01-18T23:36:00.001-05:00

Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You!

Love,

Me

a short prayer

2011-08-26T17:01:00.000-04:00

please. please.please. please.

love always,

me.

hello

2011-08-10T12:39:00.002-04:00

hello team

i may begin a health focused blog at some point highlighting different diet experiments i've tried on my body - this will include:

1 - juice fasting
2 - staying away from refined carbs, sugar
3 - high protein/low carb
4 - high carb/low fat
5 - 30 day bikram yoga challenge
6 - raw food for a week (or more)

there may be more - i may just start trying all diets i can - i'll be 29 soon - so i'll have a year to mess around with my body until i turn 30 and my metabolism is completely and utterly ruined.

the majority of this blog has been about my trials and tribulations in regards to men, love and food.

i will now do a quick synopsis on all 3 of these topics now:

1 - Men: I have a strong dislike for the way I've been treated by the one I've spoken about most recently in my blog - however, I've realized that dislike spews negative energy only in myself - and i've seen this negative energy come out in a variety of ways over this year that I simply don't appreciate. My walls are up these days and my confusion is high - but I'm going to chill and let things go and feel with my heart AND mind so that hopefully I will make a better choice next time. Will said male and I ever speak again? Unlikely. Some people are in your life for a short time so you can discover something about yourself and then its time for them to go and really its all for best.

2 - Love: Love is Love. It's great - but have my ideas of love and its whimsical nature change? You bet. Love is attachment - I actually have always understood this - but attachment is love, isn't it? That's how I feel. These days - I take care in what to attach myself to. That said, I've realized you can really "love"/become attached to anyone if you let yourself - physical lust is there, but it also has the ability to grow over time if someone is kind, funny and (preferably) has a sweet tooth.

Which leads me to my 3rd lesson learned:

3 - Food - I still love food. I love the way it tastes on my tongue and the way it goes down to an empty stomach that is slowly satiated. I love the way it is so social. Going on a diet or a cleanse, you notice how social the activity of dining with someone is. Food is love. Love is Food. And perhaps, both are attachments. An unhealthy attachment to food will lead to an unhealthy lifestyle and unhealthy choices. These days - my cravings for sugar have died down - they are still there, don't get me wrong - but it is much less. I don't shake in need for a cream cheese frosted cupcake or a fresh from the oven cookie. I enjoy it - but I don't binge (as much). I still love food - but it's more of a balanced love and less of a clingy desperate attachment.

Thus, perhaps what I've learned is that everything needs balance - the men you seek should be balanced, the love you have should be balanced - both people giving and loving fairly, and then of course the food, the delicious lovely food should be balanced with sweet, salty, heavy light all combined perfectly.

thank you and good night!

end of cleanse

2011-07-29T00:19:00.004-04:00

my cleanse is over - i am full from my juices today - almost over-full in fact.

i am also craving home-made turkey kabobs - which i'll blame on my lack of b-12.

while this has been a great journey, which i will continue as i slowly begin eating real food throughout the week - i've realized that the main culprit in my life is sugar. Most days I crave sugar every few hours - but these past 3 days - nothing. I have never lasted on a 100% raw diet for more than a day maximum. 3 days of fully raw fare was very interesting..although today I must say I feel a bit too full/a little nauseous.

I have recently viewed a lecture by Gary Taubes, author of "Good Calories. Bad Calories." - in it he refutes the long standing belief that calorie counting, exercise and the concept of 'calories in, calories out' are keys to weight loss.

He has a few very interesting points - and it all boils down to the concept that sugars and carbohydrates (specifically refined carbs) - create an overload of insulin in the body. This insulin then gets stored in fat cells...which ultimately is why we get fat...and particularly why we get fat in some areas and not in others.

It was really very interesting - and very medically driven - not a typical diet video and I've heard the book is the same - it is very medically driven and somewhat like a medical journal.

So - my plan for myself - is to stay off refined products, remove processed sugar from my diet and actually begin to include lean meats into my daily/weekly diet. I have been a pseudo vegetarian since 2005 - and really, it has not been a healthy choice.

I know some will argue that vegetarianism is the healthiest diet if you do it right and know what you're doing - and perhaps I agree. That said, I was my most tone and most healthiest when on a lean meats, good carbs/low carb lifestyle.

I will of course only eat turkey or chicken that has been grass-fed, and ideally made in the comfort of my own home. I will not eat anyone else's meat made in their home or in a restaurant - and I will still stick to mainly fish outside of the house. For all intensive purposes, I have become a closeted meat-eater. (and that is definitely what she said)

Anyways - this is where I am right now. Thanks.

Blue Print Cleanse

2011-07-27T17:36:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I embarked upon a new adventure in health, fitness and experimentation.

I received my first 3-day set of juices via the Blue Print Cleanse! I've been wanting to try this cleanse for a while but never did primarily because of the cost. Although the cost is still high, I threw caution (and my credit card) to the wind and decided it was now or later and I choose now.

Anyways - being that I am generally a fairly healthy eater, I chose the Renovation cleanse. There's 3 types you can try - one is for beginners, Renovation is for middle-people, perhaps those who like to binge on brownies one day and then ingest salads and go to bikram yoga the next few days, and the 3rd is Excavation - this is for the hard-core health nuts that can stomach 4 16 oz bottles of green juice a day. While Excavation seemed like a great challenge, I decided to be careful and go with Renovation.

I am on day 2 and half way done my juices of the day. It is actually quite a difficult mental and physical challenge! While I pride myself on being healthy, the past few months I have been on a vacation from my regular normal diet. These days, I am used to waking up and eating - fruit, granola, cereal, pancakes, eggs - one of these items enters my mouth by noon. By 2, I'm munching on chocolate, crackers or string cheese - and by 4 I'm eating another meal. A few more chocolate snacks enter my mouth before dinner - where I will have a full meal followed by dessert. Thus - you can see my desire for a detox that would rid me of my cravings and help me get back on a healthy track.

Anyways - the mental challenge is certainly the lack of meals. That said, I haven't had too many crazy cravings because the juices really fill you up. To be honest, the green juice (romaine, kale, celery, apple, lemon, etc) - tastes good but I'm usually queasy by my 2nd one. I've been skipping the 3rd green juice entirely b/c my stomach just can't handle it.

The spicy lemonade and Pineapple/Apple/Mint juices are light and refreshing and a good break from the heavier green juice. Finally, there's the cashew milk which is really great and if you have a good imagination, you can drink it with a spoon, pretending its ice cream or something else decadent.

One of the negatives I have with this diet is that every juice is SUPER SWEET. My sweet tooth is gone - perhaps that's a good thing. I'm craving salt which is surprising b/c I rarely do.

This morning, after 1 full day of juicing, I have lost approximately 2 lbs. I know this is just water weight but its still very substantial seeing as I have a fairly small frame.

i also did a light 10 min job + 40 min of vinyasa yoga today.

right now - the time is 5:47 and i feel a little sick to my stomach - i've drank 1/2 of my 3 out of 6 juices and i'm really waiting for my evening cashew milk.

my goal with this is to end my cleanse tomorrow and then start eating a primarily raw diet post-cleanse. i've realized that my mind, body and mental health is best when i am eating less refined carbs and junk. I am happier, more alive and less tense.

let's see. i will keep my progress posted via this blog.

i want the meal not the appetizer

2011-06-20T01:57:00.005-04:00

i want the meal not the appetizer.

a fellow blogger and friend made this comment in regards to my quote regarding patience.

its funny b/c i am not only impatient regarding life events, but i have limited patience at restaurants at well. Erego, I scarf down my appetizer and then get agitated if my main course does not come in time.

Not always - but sometimes. I've had a lot of appetizers in my earlier 20s...and now all I want is that amazing main course. Or perhaps - what i'm really waiting for is dessert - the perfect end to a long irritating meal.

i don't know what i'm talking about - i'm not even hungry right now.

random shorts

2011-05-26T11:20:00.002-04:00

some shorts i wrote a while ago to get my brain moving when i was trying to write i think. i like to do this exercise of writing whatever is in your head quickly because it often helps open up writer's block. lame thoughts but I want to keep it somewhere so here it is. actually not really lame as much as hackneyed, i suppose.

I want love. A real love. A love like lovers dream of in the night sky looking at the moon. A love, a lover’s loving longing love. I have longed! I am longing. I am longing for my love love love. The one I’ll walk with, swoon for, eat with, laugh with – the one I’ll fight with and love through it all. I’m looking for a love. A love love love love – unconditional, ever-sweet, amorously affectionate lovely luscious love. Love.

Patience they tell me. They say it in my dreams – in my thoughts. My ever beating passionate emotional heart screams with angst, wants for passion, wants for love and happiness and the bursting feeling of joy that comes only through that perfect match with a perfect for you mate. Patience. Patience. Patience. It is so hard – so hard to be patient for so long. So hard to almost get your wish, but then for it to disappear – to disappear so quickly and so completely that you sometimes wonder, “was it all just a dream?”

an op-ed on a fellow blogger

2011-05-15T22:25:00.003-04:00

now that school is over, i find myself with nothing to do for a bit.

erego - a blog post.

my blog friend (and real friend) http://bikinimartini.blogspot.com/ has some interesting posts she's writing right now and it's interesting because our belief's and posts are like night and day - yet she's still one of my closest friends.

bikini believes that sex without a relationship is the way we are supposed to be. Humans are animals after all - and evolutionary I suppose that does make sense.

I think anyone who has ever read any of my posts knows I don't believe that this is all there is to it.

Bikini's latest post is very interesting - in it she describes an experiment where she will act like a typical late 20s relationship-hungry female. She estimates that acting this way will result in males losing interest in a faster amount of time than if she just acted like her self - a non-relationship hungry female.

I must say that for the most part I agree. Most males are intrigued by the female who doesn't want a relationship and just wants sex with no strings. However - I do think, that there are those out there that actually do want a long-term partner to grow with, have babies with, etc. etc. Contrary to popular belief, these relationship-craving men do exist! They exist and the older we get, the more there are!

So I'm excited to see how bikini will fare - and I secretly/not-so-secretly hope she meets a guy who surprises her, challenges her beliefs and makes her fall truly madly and deeply in love.

or as she likes to call it, attachment.

random thought

2011-04-26T22:03:00.003-04:00

my last relationship made me lose faith in my abilities and my intellect. that loss of faith is still kind of there except i notice it more and stop myself. isn't it weird how one relationship can you change your esteem so drastically? i don't even blame the person i was with, i blame myself! for being so easily molded. it's embarrassing and its also a life lesson. since then, i sometimes find myself talking to ppl with the expectation that they won't take me seriously. i even find myself laughing at myself just to laugh b/c i'm so used to being taken unseriously. that's a serious issue.

but i've been working on it - gaining back my confidence slowly and effectively - and thanking God every step of the way - not only for ending that experience, but for allowing me to have it to learn from.

some great advice

2011-03-28T23:01:00.004-04:00

i read this on twitter today and found it to be such great advice that I had to retweet, post on facebook, post on my g-chat and now post on my blog! ready?

"Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?""

I thought I had lost my one chance at love, marriage and happiness a few months ago when the guy I thought I was going to marry decided he wasn't ready to commit.

I really sincerely thought that - and although it still hurts even now when I think about the attachment and the closeness that is simply nonexistant now, I read this quote and have to smile.

Because in 5 years it really won't matter. It will be something I laugh about with my friends, with a new truer better love, and hopefully/maybe even smile about as I kiss my kids good night. It won't matter -but it will have helped me get to where I want/need and was supposed to get to.

So do I regret the heartache, the post after post depicting my pain, the long talks with friends agonizing and obsessing over this male? No. I don't. Because I needed it - I needed to have this experience to learn more about myself so that 5 years from now I can read this blog post and laugh at how silly it all seems, as I go to pick up my child from daycare and then come home to my wonderful husband that I never would have met had it not been for what I learned from this relationship that 5 years before seemed all-consuming.

so thank you. for the lessons, the pain, the fun and the love. I needed it, I need it - all to help me move along on the path towards the right one!

dr. livingstone, i presume

2011-03-03T15:28:00.003-05:00

today i am blogging from livingston, zambia - a country in east africa bordering zimbabwe. Zambia is best known for the Victorian Falls - which are the largest water falls in the country and one of the 7 natural wonders on Earth. I visited the falls today and even hiked around in the forest where the falls are. Walking around you need a raincoat b/c the falls are huge and the mist and water will completely soak you.

While going down (and then later, up) some rocks - I realized how risk-averse I am. Every step I took was cautious and fearful of falling, slipping or running into an animal or gigantic bug.

I can't change who I am - but I can attempt to try some things that are out of my comfort zone, and so perhaps coming to Africa is one of these events.

The trip is lovely so far - and as always, my blog will go back to my 1st love - food. Africa has food that is primarily influenced by England, along with a bit of Indian cuisine as well..which makes sense since the English had control over India for a while. Today I tried Zambian cuisine - which tasted like Ethiopian food - various portions of stewed vegetables along with a sort of solid cornmeal type thing that looked more like cream of wheat and reminded me of injera bread.

The meal was good - and I always appreciate trying local cuisine.

Tomorrow - I go for a day long safari. I'll be honest - seeing a ton of animals doesn't excite me as much as it does my travel-mates...however I think if you come to Africa and don't at least try to see a lion, then its somewhat of a wasted trip.

And on that note, I am off to search for dessert..something I haven't found yet and that I am certainly currently craving!

ciao ciao

dull ache

2011-02-15T02:05:00.002-05:00

i have this dull ache in my heart that isn't going away.

its there - in the back - constantly aching. it's better than it was. i can get through the day without crying now. I can get up and do things without constantly coveting a year ago. I can be practical and understand that this is for the absolute 100% best.

but nevertheless, there is a dull ache inside of my heart - its dull, barely audible now, just slowly gnawing away at my over-emotional entity, wishing someone would hear it and make it go away with bouts of affection and kept promises.

but no. the dull ache continues, slowly and carefully plucking away at the sutured strings of my broken broken heart.

descriptive tmi.

2011-02-12T02:26:00.002-05:00

-if i drink alcohol when i'm on my period, i have cramps that feel as if someone cut me open and poured alcohol on my uterus.
-when i have cramps these days, i lie down and put my computer/warm battery charger on my stomach to ease the pain
-i cry
-i curse
-i eat nothing all day and then indulge in chocolate at night
-i become irresponsible
-tired
-nauseaus/dizzy
-a bit depressed
-have the need to clean and organize every thing in sight (pre .)
-all this for a . !?

lame.

eek

2011-01-16T23:48:00.002-05:00

didn't even last a day with any of my challenges!

though i have drank green tea for the past 2 days - i may remove that one though since caffeine isn't really something to challenge yourself to drink more of.

ok - vitamin challenge and cab challenge will begin tomorrow - let's go slower with these challenges.

diet this weekend was poor - but workouts were intensive so at least that's balanced.

let's see how this week goes!

yowza

2011-01-15T00:54:00.000-05:00

now this...is a great blog: http://hannahkaty.com/

amazing!

It's Challenges Time!

2011-01-14T22:51:00.003-05:00

below are some challenges - actionable items that i would like to complete between now and feb. 28th

1 - do bikram yoga for 1 week straight.
2 - do boxing for 1 week straight
3 - eat no chocolate for 1 week straight
4 - refrain from discussing hackneyed subject matter for 2 weeks straight
5 - take no cabs for 2 weeks straight (i had put 3 wks here, but let's be practical)
6 - make my own meals for 1 week straight (no eating out/take out)
7 - eat all my vitamins (4) every day for 2 weeks straight (VERY CHALLENGING!!!)

my hope is that by pursuing these challenges for just 1-2 weeks, i will make them habits and have them stick.

so lets start.

things i will start tomorrow are #4, #5 and #7. the rules are that if i mess up during my week-2 week challenge time, i have to restart the challenge all over again!

food log

2011-01-12T16:59:00.003-05:00

I really am enjoying the iPhone App - 'Lose it!' - it lets you plug in all your food and exercises of the day and calculates how many cals consumed and how many expended - it also tells you how many cals you should consume to get you to your goal weight. - i recommend!

anyways - today i may go over my allotted 1042 cals..let's see

b - 2 egg whites, 1 egg w/ tomatoes and peppers
l - starbucks oatmeal with 100 calories of dried fruit and almonds (not 200 calories - i only used 1/2 of each of the packets and that was more than enough
snacks - a handful of dark chocolate covered edamame (i'll estimate that to be 100 calories) and about 7 pieces of dried mango

no workout today - but maybe late late tonight i'll motivate myself to do some to nix some of these cals.

i was starving today - jillian michaels' 'making the cut' really did it yesterday - i recommend this book.

this weekend is looking good - i will splurge here and there but hope to stay within my allotted calorie amount (or just run to expend any excess cals!)

in other news - i'm going to try something new - i'm not going to vent or bitch to anyone about the usual things. instead, i'm going to fake it to make it. studies say that when you just do the action of smiling, lifting those corners of your mouth, you actually end up feeling better. soo, as many yoga teachers have told me at one point or another, i shall "FAKE IT TO MAKE IT!"

moving on and up this 2011.

will also avoid anyone who makes me feel agitated or down. happy people only please.

i'm not giving up and i'm not getting sensitive

2011-01-11T18:17:00.002-05:00

ok.

so things did not work out with my 1st love. it's sad. 5 months later, we hardly speak and its still sad. but you know what? i'm not going to give up.

the other day i went on a date - my first 1st date in years and it was fun. The idea of possibility and flirtation swirled through the air, and you know what? I may never see him again. He may not be interested. Things may not work out - but the fact that I went, had fun and felt that possibility - which I haven't felt in so long, means that its all going to be ok.

Maybe that guy isn't the guy, maybe he is. Either way its all going to be ok.

If he's not the guy, I'll go out with someone else, and if he's not, I'll try another and another and another until I finally find the RIGHT one.

Even though I'm sad about my 1st real love lost, even though somedays I still cry and feel frustrated, the fact that one date with a stranger made me feel happy and hopeful speaks volumes.

If a date with a stranger can make me feel that way, just imagine how it will feel when I finally meet the guy I'm supposed to marry and have children with? Imagine how amazing it will feel. Then these past loves will be just fleeting memories that I smile about in my middle age as I shake my head at how love-sick I was and how in the end, it all brought me to you...the person I'm supposed to be with.

I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes..a lot of my friends who read this may even remove me from their blog readings...I'm being mushy and sugary and border-line obsessed with this idea but I don't care b/c I need this post to come back to when I'm feeling down..to remind myself..that hey! life is great. and at the end, I will be happy and in love.

ho ho - holiday weight

2011-01-10T00:05:00.004-05:00

i was a glutton for the past well, really since september i've been pretty gluttonous.

i just finished skimming thru (yet again) my copy of jillian michaels' "making the cut" workout and weightloss book and i've (yet again) become motivated.

i remember when i eat healthy and work out, i feel my best because i look my best - and i really need to get back there again. so, from tomorrow the 10th to the 20th i will be working out hard and eating right, and then from the 21st to the 28th i will work out hard and also follow jillian michael's peaking diet for 7 days. This diet is primarily to shed the last bit of water weight - but I figure that if I work out and eat right hard for 10 days straight - i should be able to lose 2-4 lbs - and then the peaking will allow another 2 or so - which is a solid amount in the span of 3 wks.

so tomorrow i will be up and ready to go kickbox at 7 am - then at 5pm i will box.
tuesday morning - i will do jilian's workout in the morning and box in the evening.

now - my eating for the next 10 days will be fairly detox-friendly. fruits, vegetables, brown rice and lentils. no dairy, no sugar and no alcohol. of course, i do have some events lined up which have food at their center and thus a few passes will have to be had.

the peaking diet will be the toughest to follow - its low carb/high protein - which i hate. however the results, i adore.

the peaking diet will also incorporate yoga sweat sessions (as opposed to jilian's 'run with a sweatshirt on' approach)

i know i write about my struggles with control a lot in my blog - but to live a balanced life requires being able to control yourself and know when you need to say no and refuse things. so while this is a weightloss challenge, its also a challenge for myself to find balance and refuse those things that are not healthy for me and in the end, won't keep me happy, smiling and able to fit into those tiny clothes i so adore come spring!

life is short.

2010-12-11T22:25:00.002-05:00

life is short.

even when it's long it's short.

1 lb of happiness + 100 spoons of positivity.
stir well, add a few hugs and some love.

enjoy.

1st date

2010-12-10T12:09:00.002-05:00

i hate 1st dates -

i hate 1st dates with weird ppl that talk about themselves.

i miss last year circa this time. i was happy and in love.

now i'm miserable, out of love and going on dates with weird ppl that talk about themselves and talk with their chopsticks

why do all the weirdos like me? staring at me with googly eyes as i sit as far away as humanly possible, my eyes desperately trying to catch the attention of the waitress, hoping she'll understand this sign of dating distress.

'do you want to go to another place for a drink'
'no. no. no i do not. - I have a conference call at 11 pm with south africa'

i get creative when i lie.

when will it get better -PLEASE.

when? i hate dating.

i hate dating.
i hate how cynical and negative i've become.
i hate that i date and all i think about is the good times i had with someone else..even though it wasn't just all good times.

trying to be happy - but stuck in quicksand looking for a way up and out.

'excited to see you'

2010-12-08T00:20:00.003-05:00

sat next to a male on the train the other day

had a reasonably nice conversation

he jotted his email and phone on my case

i decided to email

he requested a meeting and ended the exchange with, 'excited to see you'

2 thoughts come to mind:

1 - how can you be excited to see me? you barely know me.

2-pretty glad i didn't look my usual 'half asleep' self that morning on the train

final note - this is going completely against my 'before 30' business plan...but...we all make a few detours before finally getting there i suppose.

final final note - this will be my first '1st date' since may of 2009 when i thought i had finally found the person who would be my last 1st date. but - i'm going with ease b/c there is no potential here.

class exercise

2010-12-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

write a 3 line start-up plan (business or otherwise)
Identify your first 3 key actions
Identify and defend your 3 most crucial resources.
Use the 'framework' of the fundamentals as a reference point in doing this.

#2 – My Before-30 Plan

My plan to get married before I’m 30 is very important to me.

My 3 key actions will be to not waste my time with those quintessential ‘bad boys’, keep an open mind and never force something to work even though I know deep down it is not working.

My 3 most crucial resources are my faith, my humor and my sheer positivity; with these resources I will be able to work towards my goal without falling into hopelessness.

+

2010-12-03T10:34:00.002-05:00

had some candy last night - had a stomachache after - also had 'dirty rice' - thought it was healthy, which was decidedly false

today - bagel to ease the queasy stomach + green tea

will workout tonight and eat sparingly.

will also attempt to stop procrastinating through various online channels.

in other news - i've never really thought this way before - but i'm ready for 2010 to be done - who's with me?

in other news - a reikhi man/psychic told me he felt very strong signs/aura of a marriage in my future. he said this in may after a fresh break-up and said it would be in 6-8 months. not that i'm a believer, but..i kinda am. so! 6 months would have been november. 8 would be january. november was not appropriate..and i frankly don't see january being any better.

so maybe psychic ability is all b.s. - but that being said i do believe in reikhi and positive vibes. i don't think i necessarily have to train to give out positive vibes - i just will give them.

so on a completely unrelated note - i am giving out positive vibes right now to someone i love very very much, and hoping they heal quickly and successfully.

Here's hoping God or the Universe is listening...

yup

2010-12-02T00:06:00.001-05:00

alrite let's get this done:

a few spoons of nf yogurt with a sprinkle of granola and a handful of berries
starbucks oatmeal with raisins and almonds + 1/2 a cup green tea (note: this is a gross combination)
nonfat no-whip hot chocolate (tall)
wild rice with veggies in a thai-curry

no gym today - too sore

and that's all folks.

pomengranate

2010-11-29T14:27:00.002-05:00

yesterday i cut my very first pomengranate.

i've eaten this delight before but cutting it myself is another story.

from this experience, i've decided that the pomengranate is a very sensual fruit

This red circular root-like fruit, I sliced once to reveal a juicy blood red color. As you crack the pieces you find layers and layers of bright ruby red pomengranate seeds. The red juice drips out staining your cutting board, staining your hands, staining your clothes as you peel and cut, peel and cut. The red seeds seem like tiny beating droplets as you crack the paper-like layer that reveals this gorgeous color, nature's beauty.

Sparkling ruby red seeds encased in thin paper encased in strong orb-like fruit.

Cutting a pomegranate actually makes me horny.

Also hungry.

tuesday

2010-11-24T01:42:00.003-05:00

today:
non fat yogurt, blueberries, almonds
salad of mixed greens, baby tomatoes, cucumbers, chick peas, avocado, crunched up tortilla chips, squeeze of lime, bit of lime-cilantro dressing - YUM.
1 tall non fat salted caramel hot chocolate - EEK
pita, hummus, tabouli, babaganoush - 5-6 french fries - meh

workout = 2.5 mile walk with 7lb laptop in tow

overall good day with a few pangs of pains and dare i say it, a few flailing butterflies.

today

2010-11-22T12:50:00.000-05:00

7-8 -- kickboxing class
then nonfat yogurt with blueberries and almonds
then oatmeal with dried fruit and more almonds (@ starbucks)
full now

rest of the week - salads, oatmeal, yogurt berries.

until thursday.

running 5 miles thursday, friday saturday sunday.

i know i say it a lot - but after this weekend...i've decided - i need to get it back. "it"

first kiss

2010-11-22T00:04:00.002-05:00

anytime someone i really like kisses me for the first time, i get knots in my stomach and
the first thing i think about while we're kissing is
"Oh my God, please don't break my heart."

now isn't that delightful?

meal log

2010-11-17T01:13:00.002-05:00

tuesday:

blueberries, nonfat yogurt, a sprinkle of granola
5 baby carrots and a non-fat string cheese
1 delicious salted caramel truffle with a 4 oz cup of whole milk drinking chocolate
2 egg whites, 1/2 a 100 calorie pita, a bit of steamed spinach, raw baby tomatoes and red and green pepppers, 3 slices of fresh mozzarella and a bit of pesto
360 calories worth of dark chocolate covered chocolate peels

2.3 mile walk with approx 10 lbs of stuff on my back and shoulders (ouch)

tomorrow - 7 am kickboxing - promise! and no chocolate!!! (hm..i don't promise that part. tee hee)

on sex

2010-11-15T23:56:00.002-05:00

i won't be having sex until i'm married.

i'll do everything but the actual deed.

not because of any religious reasons.

not because i'm a prude.

not because i'm 'saving myself'

the truth is, i would gladly give it up if it weren't for my sanity.

i kiss a guy and i get attached. it doesn't work out and i am sad.

i spend 12 months with one, and i become even more attached. we break up, and i am devastated. i go a little crazy, i feel a little schizo.

if i slept with a guy and things didn't work out, i would not be able to function. literally. unfunctionable.

so i don't have sex because i want to save my sanity.

put a ring on it and then i'll rock your world. promise.

what i ate today

2010-11-15T23:53:00.002-05:00

plain nonfat yogurt with blueberries and a touch of granola
1 low-fat string cheese
small bowl of raw peppers, cucumbers and carrots with lime and salt and pepper
1 skim milk no whip 10-12 oz. hot chocolate
baked fish, brown rice, steamed broccoli (win!)
1 cookie bigger (FAIL) than my head and 2 cups of green tea (ok)

walked 2 miles with a 7 lb laptop in the morning.

no other real workout all day.

tomorrow's plan: go kickboxing! eat well!

rejected nytimes piece

2010-11-14T21:09:00.001-05:00

on 12/18/08, i submitted the following piece to the nytimes modern love section. It was rejected. I was reviewing it today randomly and I realized that I don't even remember the guy I wrote about. I think it may be partly fictional..either that or my memory is a lot worse than I thought. It's interesting how I've changed (and not changed) as a writer...and as a person. These days - I say 'I love you' first even when I'm not sure how the other person feels. Those days, I was much more cautious. I can't decide which way is better. Feel free to read the below and give me your thoughts:

Kitchen Affections

I made salmon for the first boy I ever loved. There were no candles, no dimmed lighting, just me in the kitchen and him on a barstool eating and attempting to simultaneously study for finals. It was over fish and physics that I knew I loved him, and all I could do was hope that my grilled to perfection salmon would translate this fact.

Showing affection thru cooking and baking didn't stop with the salmon. I've made cookies for my crushes, politically correct cupcakes for my vegan brother, sugar-free cake for my diabetic grandmothers, blueberry muffins for my sweet-toothed father, and spicy enchiladas for my Mexican-craving mama. All in an effort to express my love, without having to particularly sit and awkwardly say the words.

The saying 'actions speak louder than words' became my motto, and with each squabble with a family member or quickened heartbeat amongst a man, there came a sweet or savory indulgence.

That's not to say that 'I love you' has never been spoken. In the 3 am haze, also known as '4 martinis on an empty stomach later', I've been known to scream 'I love you guys!' to the closest of friends as we dizzily eat corner deli pizza and aggravate the equally intoxicated bystanders by our girlish squeals and shrieks.

Family members and friends didn't seem to notice my hesitance, but lovers certainly did. When each 'you're so gorgeous', 'I really like you', and finally the highly anticipated 'I love you', was followed by a conscientious smile or a bright red color to completely cover my face, the likes and loves of my life slowly left for more verbally inept girls. My salmon-eating boyfriend was the first to go, and I was shocked that my well-marinated fish wasn't enough to make him stay.

I finally decided it was time open my mouth and communicate and the next man I felt anything for would be the lucky one to hear me say the words. When I met him, I felt an instantaneous attraction. In my personal experience, men to whom I am instantaneously attracted end up being very useless, wanting me only for the physical here and now, none of which constitute a relationship. But this man was different, and as we spent weeks discussing our similar love for swimming, reading, and Manhattan dining, I knew this was a lingering spark. I was smitten, perhaps not in love, but in the very serious 'like' stage of a blossoming relationship. So I went for it; my heart beating rapidly and my throat suddenly parched. As we walked along 1^st Avenue, our hands intertwined, talking about nothing in particularly, I interrupted and said quite forcefully, "You know…I'm starting to really like you." The pause that followed was just long enough for me to feel what all men past must have felt with my pauses. He smiled slowly and sarcastically said, "Wow. So emotional." I left him for my kitchen a few weeks later, the aromas of dark baking chocolate, pumpkin, tomatoes, and basil filling up my apartment and attempting to heal my heart.

i love

2010-11-14T01:02:00.001-05:00

market segmentation

i love it.

so much. <3

thank you

2010-11-13T23:14:00.003-05:00

thank you to my friends for putting up with me as i drone on and on like a broken record.

thank you for picking up the phone even though you know its just so i can vent and vent and vent some more

thank you for responding to my texts

thank you for being patient thank you for your advice thank you for your love

thank you for not telling me that i'm obsessing, that i need to get over it, that i need to stop calling you to vent about it! (even if you wanted to say these things, than you for sparing me that honesty :)

thank you thank you - i will never forget it.

i love you and am so thankful for good friends. <3

cheat days

2010-11-07T22:41:00.002-05:00

weekends are cheat days consisting of 8 miles of walking to and from school - thus i believe i deserve the treat.

today:
1 large apple + almonds
iron pill
walked 2 miles
1 large cookie + drinking chocolate
paella, shrimp jambalya, a biscuit, a bite-sized tart
felt a bit sick after - walked 2 miles
plain nonfat yogurt + quite a bit of granola

not the healthiest day but not the worst

tomorrow:

boxing
yogurt, blueberries, a little granola (9 am)
mini pepper, cucumber, avocado and carrot salad (homemade) (1 pm)
string cheese + 1 egg boiled egg (4pm)
edamame crisps + carrots (6pm)
salad or egg whites with tabouli

rough days, long hours, lots of stress and the heart still aches..but i'm pushing on.

goal for thanksgiving = -5 lbs.
goal for 12/31/10 = total weight loss of 10 lbs.

goal for this week:
mon - boxing in am
tuesday - running in the morning - yoga in the pm if time permits
wednesday - boxing in am
thursday - boxing - noon; yoga - pm
friday - yoga
saturday - boxing
sunday - yoga

i'm feeling better these days - keeping yourself busy and focused helps. that being said, i still miss people and circumstances of my past.

ah well - live and learn - nothing in this world is permanent.

yoga boxing running vitamins!

2010-11-05T12:25:00.003-04:00

last semester i was a hot mess.

this semester i started out with 2 sessions of bikram in a week (so far)

1 session of boxing and 1 mile of running

loads of walking

i also plan to eat my vitamins and my iron pills

vitamins are key when your diet is lacking...and i'd estimate that at least 70% of city-dwelling 20-30 something have a diet that is lacking in the required amount of daily nutrients.

so my vitamins will be:

1-2 - multi-vitamin
1 - iron pill
1-2- biotin pills
1 - b-12 vitamin

now - if anyone knows me at all, they will know that i hate, hate hate pills. i hate them. i'll be sick for 2 wks before even attempting to swallow a pill.

that being said - health trumps dislike.

now - on to the meals of the day. starting with yesterday:

1) - nonfat plain yogurt, blueberries, granola = win
2)- 6" veggie sub on wheat - with some cheese and baked lays = win
3) - small piece of glazed baked salmon, pesto pasta salad, cucumbers = reasonable win post 90 min bikram session
4) - bag of chocolate covered toffee!!! - fail!

today so far has been:

a couple spoonfuls of plain nonfat yogurt, a few almonds and a serving of wasabi peas..weird, not full of nutrients, but not awful either.

will go for a run later.

its important to stay healthy. one day i plan to hopefully have some babies...since i am already 28, with no future baby daddy insight, i've sadly accepted the fact that i most likely won't have children till post-30. Thus, it will already be harder - and it will be even more challenging if i am deficient in the important vitamins - especially iron.

i can't control my love life - but at least i can control the healthiness of my incubator.

keep this in mind female readers - eat your vitamins! if not for you, then for your future babies!

feel free to laugh. i don't care - it's important!

gchatherapy

2010-10-12T23:21:00.000-04:00

me: its just i get sad

Lobster: and you will for a while

and youll be sad that hes not sad

and youll get sad becuase youre lonely

but you eventually get over it

and make out with some more old friends

and find someone you love

and it might end again

and suck

but usually it happens and you find someone you marry

me: aw

i will blog that

help me.

2010-10-12T20:57:00.003-04:00

i'm so sad.

i don't even know what to do anymore.

i'm just sad. and i've been sad since may.

please help me somebody.

but no one can help me.

no one can help me - the sadness is all-consuming.

Thank God

2010-10-11T10:30:00.005-04:00

I'd like to start off with a quick note: The below blog will make me sounds like a judgmental extremist type of girl. I honestly don't want to sound that way - and I understand everyone thinks differently...but this is how i feel today - so yes.

I was born on the west coast.

If I had stayed there, how would my life be like?

West Coast Sikhs are almost always much less into Sikhi than East Coast Sikhs.

They don't know the history or the reasonings behind our religion, our culture. They aren't taught. They are instead taught to conform. Conform to Western values and Western identity. Adapt so you can find a job and be accepted.

My middle name means Lioness. A Sikh man's middle name means Lion. One of the reasons for this is because we are supposed to be strong, to face adversity and to stand out.

A Sikh man living in the United States stands out because of his physical identity. This is why the majority of my Sikh male friends are strong and confident, attractive souls. They have to be. When you are different, in the crowd of shorn and shaggy hair, you have to stand out with your crown - upright and proud.

It makes me so sad when people decide, they do not care enough, or are not brave enough, to keep the identity. The identity that people have died to preserve.

To this, I blame their surroundings. California, with its adapting fearful souls, its sheep. The ones who don't teach the lessons of Sikhi to their children, who don't understand the beauty and the gift we are given by our Gurus.

It makes me so sad. And yet, what can we do? If you don't know why you should care about something, then you won't care. If you surround yourself by people who don't have similar values then eventually you will adapt.

I have white friends, asian friends, black friends, Hindu friends - and there have been times when even they have been shocked that someone Sikh has decide to cut their hair. This! Is because to them Sikh = long haired or bearded/turbaned man/woman. And this! is because to them this is the norm - because even they have been taught - and for this I am glad.

However, in the West coast - instead when a Sikh man cuts his hair - he gets Facebook comments from his all non-Sikh community that say things like 'you look good!' 'nice job!' To which I want to SCREAM. and say NO YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. however, that won't be understood...because to them, it doesn't matter. To them it was a burden and to them it is now lifted to reveal an awful and depressing buzz cut, a naked chin - remnants of nothing.

So to this - all I can say is - I am grateful that those who do understand and care about the religion still keep the faith going.

The others - I feel sad for because you don't even know what you're missing and how wonderful it is to be Gursikh.

oh that dorothy parker

2010-10-08T01:09:00.003-04:00

dorothy parker has a poem about a woman waiting for the phone to ring - you can read it here: http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/teleycal.html

it embarrassingly and quite accurately describes a woman's angst/psychosis. It's interesting b/c this poem was probably written in the 20s/30s and yet this same psychosis still happens to woman of 2010 and will probably continue to happen for years to come.

we have grown and adapted so much and yet, love and lust and sheer anxiety over the affections of the opposite sex are still things that cause the most human emotion, that result in box office movies, best selling novels and countless well-read (or unread) blog postings.

I wonder sometimes, as we continue to progress in society, will this anxious, love-sick genre of women diminish? Will heartache after heartache adapt the modern woman into a stoic emotionless apathetic species?

Darwin's survival of the fittest theory is accurate often - is survival of the heartaches the next adapted breed of women in the future?

if that's the case, adapt without me please.

and honestly...

my money's on the dorothy's of the world.

oh socrates

2010-10-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

"For now, just think of death as a transformation - a bit more radical than puberty, but nothing to get particularly upset about. It's just one of the body's changes. When it happens, it happens. The warrior neither seeks death nor flees from it.

His face grew more somber before he spoke again. 'Death is not sad; the sad thing is that most people don't really live at all.'"

how i met your mother

2010-09-20T14:32:00.002-04:00

i heard this on 'how i met your mother' today:

"shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks but actually kinda likes them?"

i'm always going to be that girl who likes dessert just a little too much, who isn't interested enough in politics to have a long debate but still has an opinion that wants to be valued, who likes wearing flowy dresses, who likes to wander the new york city streets aimlessly and who is just a little bit too loud once in a while.

shouldn't i hold out for the person who kinda likes my quirks, and doesn't just tolerate them?

and shouldn't i wait to be with someone who's quirks i like, and don't just have an 'open mind' about?

yes and yes.

so many signs so many signs.

on God

2010-09-16T12:43:00.001-04:00

God has a plan for everyone. Who am I to complain and cry about it?

I'm sure..in fact, I know! that God's plan for me is going to be so great - and while thing's hurt me right now ..it's all part of the plan!

perhaps this post makes no sense..but it's my optimistic post of the week/year.

deal with it.

masks

2010-09-14T12:03:00.002-04:00

i'm wearing a mask when i talk to you.

yes, that right. you right there. you reading this. you on the phone. you, you and you.

all of you.

mask.

gotta love those cliches

2010-09-10T00:50:00.003-04:00

it's getting harder and harder for me to keep repeating 'everything happens for a reason' and 'at the end of the day it will all be ok' and 'it is what it is' mantras.

when are they going to become a reality?

people say its important to have patience.

i've been patient - i know patience...and honestly, she's being a bitch.

i need a sign. please please please just give me a sign to confirm the cliches i hold as truths spouted from the sky.

moping enabler

2010-09-07T00:58:00.002-04:00

there's a guy in school who mopes with me.

we mope about our lost loves together.

it's cathartic - almost like scratching a scab when its itchy...

until the scab gives way to bright red oozing blood.

hopefully my venting with my moping enabler won't cause the same sort of pain.

500 days..

2010-09-01T16:14:00.001-04:00

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

control

2010-09-01T00:52:00.003-04:00

sometimes, one feels out of control.

you can't control the viewpoints of others and the decisions of others.

unfortunately these decisions can sometimes affect you very badly - and this feeling is due to their decisions, which are completely out of your control.

today i was feeling particularly void of control, and then i realized that i have control over myself, over my health, my work and my body.

and so - i went to LA boxing and purchased a 9 month membership. I paid upfront, thus I cannot cancel, and thus I have just invested quite a bit of money towards toning up and getting into much better shape.

maybe i can't control people's feelings and decisions - but I can control the way I react to them, and I refuse to react by sitting on a couch eating chocolate covered ginger until I feel sick and unhealthy.

and so - i will box. box to get out my frustrations and box to toughen up my mind, body and spirit.

also - i will box b/c i paid too much not to - and i don't want to waste money. though i feel that spending money on boxing is equivalent to spending money on therapy - with an added perk of toning up and increasing endurance.

wish me luck!

xoxo

one day

2010-08-28T23:34:00.003-04:00

one day i'll be happy

one day i'll be married to someone who loves me just as i am

one day i'll have babies and

one day those babies will grow up into tweens, then teens, then young adults, then adults

and they'll come to me with their angst and i'll tell them

one day you'll be fine and happy and all of this will be hilarious

just like one day all my angst will be hilarious to me

one day, one day

one day soon.

apples on the ground

2010-08-02T23:20:00.002-04:00

just because i didn't get my 1st pick of apple on my first try, doesn't mean i should give up and settle with an apple that is rolling around in the mud.

in indian culture, the idea of healing after a heartbreak is a bit less understood, and the idea of a 28 year old female needing time to heal is appalling.

as i yell to be heard over the deafening sound of my ticking biological clock that seems to ring only louder as each respective non-related aunt or uncle ask me about my romantic goals of the future and recommend males who are my absolute antithesis, the anxiety piles up and I get caught in the whirlwind of expectations and fear.

Expectations that I have not met.

Fear that I will cross the forbidden threshold of 30, my ticking clock slowly dying out, along with questions of my goals, as I am now perceived as a lost cause.

And yet - my only fear is that I will never find the one, who likes me....just as I am.

over dramatic.

lover of chocolate.

sickly emotional.

5'1.

against mud-dripping apples.

me.

it is what it is

2010-07-25T22:52:00.004-04:00

the world is full of sadness and death and pain and tears and hunger and loneliness.

that's what it is.

but it's interspersed with bits of happiness and love and birth and joy.

why are the greatest moments the shortest and the saddest the most drawn out? if life was a minute, more than 1/2 of its 60 seconds would be sadness. But the less than 1/2 that is happiness is so amazingly striking that we suffer and we cry and we crawl up into fetal positions and bawl and throw things and feel empty and wait. Wait for happiness, because as short as it is - it is so lovely when you have it..even though, like everything in this world including life, it doesn't last.

nothing lasts. not life. not love. not sorrow. not happiness. not jobs. not degrees. not friends. not family. not lovers. in the end, you go alone.

so live in the moment and enjoy what comes, without being too attached, because it'll leave in a millisecond, leaving you grasping hopelessly at the air as it flies away - a millisecond of a second of a minute in your life.

sometime lifetime movies are just what you need

2010-07-08T23:39:00.002-04:00

"i know you're feeling sad right now, but actually i'm a little happy for you - for the first time in a very long time you were looking for the best of someone - that's what you fell for, you fell for the best in them - you opened yourself up and you fell in love and you're gonna need to keep yourself open to that happening again

that's what we do

otherwise, what's the point?"

never eat alone

2010-07-07T00:18:00.003-04:00

i never read the book - but i do agree, eating alone is ridiculous. You should always be meeting people - close friends, business colleagues, distant friends for meals because you never know what can come of it. Networking is key to life and always wards off loneliness.

There was a time where I loved to be alone - sitting in my apartment with the tick ticking of my laptop to entertain me - now I loathe it.

Today - I had no dinner plans so today I ate no dinner. Eating alone ensues a loss of appetite.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

glow in the dusk

2010-06-15T00:24:00.002-04:00

"you're really pretty in the morning", he said to me. The sun was hardly up, yet I was sleepily awake.
"you have this glow..it's really pretty."

i smile.

i didn't want to say how i felt - that i glow because I'm happy and I'm happy because I'm here, lying next to you.

it's ok - i'm sure he knew.

i hope i glow again soon.

pms induced massochism

2010-04-24T17:00:00.005-04:00

i just did something really dumb.

and super emotional.

all based on a dream and a lazy friday night where i had nothing better to do but remember.

and now its saturday afternoon, and with ani difranco ringing in my ears and my ovulated state reaching its peak, i decided to do something irrational, ridiculous and really dumb.

most likely, it will amount to nothing and no one will be the wiser.

most likely, my perception of you will stay the way it has for the past 5 years.

my perception that you are an asshole.

but i can't help that 2% of me, that hyper-sensitive, overly hormonal, side of me that is hoping maybe i'll see the you i've missed. The '2001 to mid 2005' You. The one I miss and mourned for like a life lost, a time lost, a friendship lost, a love lost.

but as the clock ticks on that 2% of me fades again, and my hyper sensitivity gives way to a flow of crimson red, that washes out my insides, including the part of me that still feels for you.

until next month, perhaps - though i wish it wasn't so.

sweaty palms

2010-04-07T01:01:00.002-04:00

taking big gulps of air, i'm about to explode, but i swallow then and say 'nevermind!'

'what?' he says, 'just tell me...why do you keep doing that?'

sweaty palms, giggles and butterflies in my stomach stop me from speaking.

then finally..eyes looking down, deep breath, and i squeak..

'i love you.'

and there it is..my open proclamation.

because if you feel it, you should say it.

and so i did.

fun and bingeing

2010-04-01T00:28:00.003-04:00

i had a lot of fun.

eating whole bags of processed cheddar fish-shaped crackers and pints of chunky cookie dough full-fat ice cream for dinner. vitamin deficiencies be damned.

i had a lot of fun.

cupcakes, cookies, white bread and cheese sandwiches, wine, mojitos made with so much sugar that the glass looked dirty from the sugary crystals swirling round and round, intertwining with mint and ice.

i had a lot of fun and now it's spring and it's time to work it off.

fun is good. it's tasty and delectable. but it's time for a new sort of fun and this sort of fun requires egg whites and vodka sodas interspersed with miles of running and dozens of lunges.

my fun was great, but winter is gone, and with it goes the layers.

forgetful

2010-03-25T10:33:00.001-04:00

i do forget the good things sometimes - and there are quite a few good things.

will work to remember them and not let past experiences sully current events.

i am what i am

2010-03-21T03:25:00.002-04:00

i'd rather be considered weird by a few than change my personality completely to conform to a norm that is not my own.

everyone has their own weirdness and eccentricities...thankfully, God has made groups of people who embrace and enjoy the company of various levels and types of different behavior. And to us, we define 'normal'.

We all have our own group of misfits that sing to the same tune and dance in the same psychedelic pot-filled drum circle, jumping and spinning, eyes-closed as we listen to the beat, our bare feet pounding the dirty beach sand in unison.

and this is normal to me.
and this is real.
and this is love, understanding and truth.

i love my misfits.

what is this?

2010-03-15T00:20:00.003-04:00

arguments and criticisms swirl the phone lines of our long-distance romance.

is this the way it's supposed to be?

i love his sweetness and genuine nature but other times i feel suffocated, losing myself in the critical comments and constant corrections of my opinions, my lifestyle, and worst of all, my grammar, which i foresee as flawless.

is this the way it's supposed to be?

i want to be adored. and understood. and loved!!!!

Aristophanes once said that our ancestors were 4 armed, 2 headed creatures full of pride due to their perfect pairings. Zeus cut them in half to reduce this pride, and thus, since this split, we are all constantly looking for our 2nd half. Unfortunately, hardly anyone ever truly finds this real 2nd half...and thus we keep trying to fit ourselves (successfully and sometimes, unsuccessfully) with other halfs in order to find that half that cleanly connects to our puzzled edges.

sometimes i feel as if i am smashing my edges against yours hoping that i can force a facetious fit.

other times i am hoping i can mold our edged puzzled pieces to connect beautifully.

let's see.

snow and chaos

2010-02-05T13:53:00.001-05:00

shuttles are canceled

classes are 'come at your own risk'

and now my way home - a decidedly constant means of transportation - is 50/50.

snow in D.C. is considered an apocalyptic event.

everyone needs to calm down.

perhaps

2010-02-03T19:07:00.001-05:00

perhaps i spoke to soon

perhaps i didn't

in my sober melancholy normalcy, i realize that i think i certainly blogged too soon.

butterflies and tennis balls

2010-01-16T20:24:00.003-05:00

in my soco and lime haze, i realize i am in love with you.

butterflies in my stomach and a tennis ball in my throat stop the words from erupting into the 4 am new york city air and floating up one foot from my mouth and into your ear.

and that's how i know...butterflies and tennis balls.

oh i do i do i do like you just the same

2009-11-24T21:53:00.011-05:00

we have nothing in common

nothing at all

but i'm not thinking about this while i sit on your lap

swinging my feet that don't reach the ground as you teach me accounting

i feel small and secure

enveloped against you on a chair staring at a spreadsheet

you are so mature, i sometimes find you to be too old for me

but you kiss me so sweetly

between explanations of allocations

we have nothing in common

nothing at all

and yet, i like you just the same

religious scripture

2009-11-17T00:57:00.004-05:00

all the scriptures say to treat the world like a forest and remain detached at heart.

is it interesting that when i hear said scriptures, spoken in a language i don't fluently understand, it has always made me cry? its as if the part of me that evokes tears can translate, analyze and feel some sort of way about words that my mind is not familiar with.

then i read the translation and it makes sense why i'm crying - because I have never been able to be detached; because I never want to be! Which is the constant battle - how can I follow a line in my religious text that I just cannot grasp or understand? I am obviously missing something, but even when its explained to me by someone more in touch with their religious roots, it makes no sense. I want to feel and be attached, regardless of any pain it may or may not cause. Because oh! when it doesn't cause pain...oh! it is pure pure, amazing awesome joy. So the pain, is worth it for the joy. But then, why do these learned pious teachers state over and over again to remain detached? I don't understand...and I'm scared to understand..which is why I think I cry - because I never want to be detached. What's life without attachments? Calmer? possibly. Lonelier? I think, most definitely.

Obviously, I am not close enough yet to religious enlightenment to understand this concept. Thus, I will keep on hurting and loving and repeating the cycle over and over till it eventually comes to an organic end and something beautiful blooms.

confidence? what confidence?

2009-10-22T16:20:00.001-04:00

since when did i lose all confidence in my entire self?

when did that happen, because I sure didn't sign up for it?

meaning

2009-09-22T19:32:00.000-04:00

does it freak people out when you tell them how much they mean to you?

sometimes i think it might.

verdicts still out on this one.

and so..my mouth will stay closed for now.

great good friend

2009-09-21T00:18:00.004-04:00

i still miss you, my friend

as i read my economics book, i remember how you taught me - patiently - and how you knew immediately when i didn't understand something - how you smiled, and tried to teach me again, and again and again - until something finally clicked and i got it.

i miss your familiarity and your intuition into my feelings, into my soul.

i miss you, my friend.

you were a good friend - a great friend.

great friends, however, rarely make good boyfriends - and this is something i wish i had known so that maybe, just maybe, i could have kept my great good friend. - instead of wasting years of friendship on a short-term strange type of intimacy that dissolved into a hot pool of anger and bitterness, eventually evaporating all that we had before.

dc

2009-09-15T23:40:00.001-04:00

d.c. is not new york.

analyze that statement as you wish.

all i have to say is - d.c. is not new york.

and i do miss my city so.

frat boys and rooftop kisses

2009-09-01T23:25:00.003-04:00

today i got a random text message from a guy i made out with on a sloping roof of a beer pong party, in a goalie net of a soccer field, in an elevator, and once while he was handcuffed to a bed.

it was a simple cordial text - 7 years after our rendezvous. from time to time, we speak and catch up and it is generally a platonic conversation mixed with random reminiscing.

i've kept in touch with 2.5 out of the x males I spent time with during my undergraduate years.

the others were unable to sustain a friendship - perhaps it was both-sided.

irregardless, i like these random calls and text messages i get from these random males of my younger, more naive days. Reminiscing about these past random free-flying experiences makes me happy, and staying in touch with random people from my past is always nice.

smiles

2009-08-26T01:35:00.003-04:00

school makes me happy.

reading for school and planning and prepping and getting overwhelmed with a bunch of other people in the same boat as me, makes me happy!

school plus wine plus reading when hazy with wine overdose makes me smile.

making new friends makes me excited.

new friends. new city. new awesome education.

alcohol.

poor happy grad student with a future bar tab that exceeds my budget = me :-D

$1 pizza for these economic times

2009-07-18T13:19:00.003-04:00

at 4 am - the sky was turning a light pink and i was just getting home. i've always seen mamani, since i live 4 buildings away from it, but my food snobbery always rejected it for the $4 cheese slices on 12th street.

This particular Saturday morning, my annebriation was at its height and my wallet was at a low, so i opted for the $1 slice.

The pizza was warm, and very crunchy...kind of like an elios pizza...in fact, that's pretty much what it reminded me of..except thinner, but for $1 - you get what you pay for and at 4 am, it does the job. Mamani's pizza is actually kind of a better option than the more filling, more oily slices you'll find elsewhere b/c this slice was thinner, crispier and had less cheese - thus resulting in lower calories.

maybe you're not thinking about calories at 4 am - but the next morning, it'll be a welcome surprise.

4 stars, not necessarily for the greatness of the flavor, but moreso for the price, the caloric deficit and the proximity to my apt.

nothing beats a hot slice of pizza after dancing the night away...and when its $1 and light on the stomach, well...that just makes things even better.

1 pm decadence

2009-07-03T14:15:00.004-04:00

pancake batter mixed with fresh blueberries

griddled to perfection

topped with fresh home-made tart strawberry butter

and warm sweet maple syrup

a forkful is created with just the right amount of pancake, butter and syrup.

pink strawberry butter slowly melting on my griddled cake piece, the mouth is full of wild anticipation.

5 flavors combined to create a perfect taste for the sweet-tooth lover's palate.

it is 1 pm on a Friday - and I received this via delivery from a locale 4 blocks from my vicinity.

I love New York.

i want something more

2009-06-30T14:59:00.003-04:00

i want a controversial relationship.

i just do.

that is what i want.

controversy in the air as i walk in, and whispers and raised eyebrows from people who don't know better.

i want an air of controversy surrounding the bubble of a safety net i've made for me, my heart, and my forever love.

i can't explain it but it is what i want.

stunned to tears

2009-06-17T18:52:00.003-04:00

it's not that i miss you

or want you back

that's not why i cry from time to time

i cry because i'm stunned

i'm stunned at the cruelty

from someone who said he loved me

i'm stunned to tears

even now

after four years

i'm just stunned that someone could do this to me - the feeling forms in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous and sweaty, reaches to my throat, and usually i can hold it there, but sometimes it spontaneously erupts and out flow a stream of stunned tears.

after you, i cry easily.

i want just 1 more chance to see you so I can express all of this vocally, but i think if i saw you i would use fruitless words like 'asshole' 'jerk' 'douchebag' - and those don't express anything except anger, which is just a tablespoon of the emotions that have ensued.

perhaps i'll simply email you a 1-liner: "20somethingprose.blogspot.com"

then you'd see for yourself, how awful you've made me feel.

poetry of a massochist

2009-06-11T12:13:00.001-04:00

another night, another dream;

another morning full of screams.

Get out of my head, get out of my heart

i've been trying so hard to make a new start.

get out, leave my head, leave my bed, leave my heart

let me live, let me breathe, that is all that i need.

i'm entirely ready to plant a new seed.

vacant fridge and personal finance

2009-06-01T21:50:00.007-04:00

in the span of a week - 4 distinct people have commented on the interior of my fridge, or lack thereof. I have not eaten out much lately, in an effort to save my funds..and I am not starving, so I don't understand why I do not find the need to purchase food.

I am backtracking a week to see what I ate, where, and how - to make sure I am not missing something in my efforts to save $, and eat fairly healthy.

Monday - May 25th:

Parents house - $0

Health Factor - Good

Tuesday - May 26th:

Parents house - $0

Health Factor - Average

Wednesday - May 27th:

Fruit, Miso Soup, Sesame Pannacotta (shot size) - $0

pinkberry-style frozen yogurt with strawberries + mochi - approx $5

pirate's booty white cheddar popcorn - whole bag - $4 approx (520 calories approx....)

2 cookies + green tea - $4

Health Factor - ridiculous!

Thursday - May 28th:

Fruit, 1 veggie maki roll, maybe more pannacotta (shot size)- $0

Salad with baked falafel and hummus - $8

Health Factor - Average

Friday - May 29th:

Fruit, 4-5 shrimp dumplings, 1/2 cup fat free vanilla frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles - $0

1 piece of bread, grilled asparagus, parsnip filled gnocchi with pesto made from beets, a sliver of almond pannacotta, 1/3 of a cannoli, 1/3 of an apple crisp with a bit of vanilla ice cream - $33

Health Factor - Average

Saturday - May 30th

Bowl of Mangoes - $2.50 ish

4 slices of friend-made banana bread with chocolate chips throughout the day

mojitos - $20

Health Factor - Ridiculous

Sunday - May 31st

Brunch of Hummus, Babagounous, rice, tabouli, pita - $0

Mac n' Cheese (small size) - less than $6

2 bite sized lindt chocolates - less than $1 i think

Health Factor - Bad

Monday - June 1st

Miso Soup, Salmon Cucumber Maki Roll, Green tea - $0

Lentil Soup with roasted corn + 1 cup fat free yogurt- $0 (made at home! woo)

Health Factor - Average

money spent on eating out: $80

money spent on groceries: $0!

times i used my kitchen to make a meal: 1

how i used to spend: $10 dollars for lunch, $15 for dinner - $25 a day * 5 - 125

a $45 savings during my recent ''take notice of my monies' phase of life.

Health factors: 1 good, 4 averages, 3 bad (2 being ridiculously bad)

now, to go back to my vacant fridge. If I were to buy groceries - I would buy approx $20-30 dollars of groceries. Essentially saving maybe another $20, which isn't much. Although, perhaps saving calories, as I would not be as inclined to eat cookies for dinner.

In conclusion, will I start grocery shopping? Probably. Will I eat in more? I will attempt. Will I drink my dinners in the form of calorie-laden mojitos? Well, my dears, that's one vice I simply refuse to let go.

In regards to health, I don't believe I am eating enough. Though, to be fair, my lunches + breakfasts are generally 600-800 calories total of light japanese fair. My dinners are decidedly lame. and the fat content is high, and protein is incredibly low throughout the day.

that being said, i don't think i eat out that much - and when i do its decidedly health or portion conscious (generally) -- This week I will aim for only 2 days of outside eating. It helps that I'll be at Parents Home, where everything is $0, for 3 of the 7 day week.

i have my doubts anyone has read thru my entire tirade. which is fine b/c frankly, this post was more for me than for my readers.

crazy girl

2009-06-01T21:30:00.003-04:00

i'm a crazy girl with naturally wildly wavy hair who looks like she'd be fairly normal.

kiss me.

kiss me and you'll feel my crazy.

the on the surface straightened tied up hair and polished poise quickly fade and out comes the bohemian with electric kisses.

sundays

2009-05-31T11:36:00.004-04:00

my sunday ritual = the sunday times style section (i.e. - the sunday times wedding section), modern love, postsecret, and catching up on blogs.

it's calming and something to look forward to - -

there you have it. some info shared from me to you

you're not allowed

2009-05-29T23:27:00.004-04:00

now i dream not just of you

but of you + her

you+ her, entering my subconscious

this is unacceptable

there should be a 'do not enter' sign in my subconscious REM state where certain images and people are just not allowed to enter.

in other news,

the other day i saw an ex sitting at a table in a restaurant that i happened to walk by. we both looked up at the same moment and shared a glance; me from outside and him from in, which is pretty accurate since our entire relationship was me trying to get in. But this time, I saw him and he saw me, and instead of going in for the cordial 'hello nice to see you after so long' waste of time conversation - I sprinted away. Literally. Sprinted. Feeling free with no regrets - I may have even skipped a little. Knowing you meant nothing to me now, even though you once consumed pages of prose, I now don't care enough to say 'hello'.

I hope if I see you I'll do the same. Last time I saw you randomly, it was on the F train and after you got off at your stop, I had to sit down with my head between my legs, the wind had literally been knocked out of me and I was dizzy and sick.

People only have an effect on you if you let them. So my goal is to not allow this effect to take place if I see you again.

nix the apathy post

2009-05-15T00:13:00.003-04:00

the minute i write it down, for all to see, and all to believe - it becomes false.

i'm still not apathetic.

i probably never will be.

so mad at you for ruining things.

this isn't the way we were supposed to be.

books and authors

2009-05-11T23:11:00.006-04:00

Whenever I read a book these days, I always google the author's bio and more and more the author is closer to my age...and that somehow makes me motivated to get moving on my book. I also notice that, while most people can sit and enjoy a book for what it is...I pick it to pieces..analyzing and basically critiquing it in my head..and ultimately, my inflated ego decides that I can't believe I'm reading this when I could be writing my own novel.

But then when I sit down to go for it, the block is thick and nothing pours out. Fiction is HARD to right. I have stories in my head and an imagination that is borderline schizophrenic..but writing fiction is just hard!

Even writing a memoir is hard...I can't seem to do it - all the words sound great in my head..but on paper it's like atrocious word vomit, desperately seeking to be deleted.

Will try again. Hemingway had a typewriter, which I'm sure expelled mountains of prose that were quickly deserted onto the floor in forms of crumpled papers thought unnecessary. Yet, somehow his thoughts finally came through in perfect form. I'm sure mine will too.

Picture of Hemingway's actual desk and actual typewriter above.

praying for apathy

2009-05-11T17:38:00.002-04:00

I prayed for apathy and now I think I've gone and gotten it.

I used to imagine what I'd say if I ever saw you next - now I think I'd pull down the shades to my Prada knock-offs and keep walking, imagining I never saw you. Imagining that I was, yet again, seeing things, seeing people, seeing images that don't exist anymore.

With my clear apathetic head, I see a bit more clearly and this vacant cavity of our lost dear best best friendship has slowly slowly closed.

I only hope it stays that way - - my apathy and closed cavity.

cupcakes and raw foods

2009-05-10T21:21:00.002-04:00

today was supposed to be my first day of a trial 10-day raw food detox challenge.

instead, i had a veggie sandwich with cheese, some fries, some veggie chips, and not 1...but..wait for it, 2 cupcakes.

failed day.

to be fair, i tossed most of the icing, ate more of the cake.

will start again tomorrow - 10 days of raw/vegan fare - b/c i will have to do some cooked foods else i can't socialize b/c i can't go out to dinner. no sugar allowed.

no alcohol - it is useless - well..maybe some wine. wine is raw - didn't you know?

i will not fail. - day 1 begins tomorrow - !

pretend ex-boyfriend

2009-05-08T12:46:00.005-04:00

recently I went to a networking event. It was a 2 day event where 95% of the crowd was in a serious relationship. After a while of having the 'oh I'm single' talk - I got bored and began to embellish the truth. In other words, I began to lie.

girl 1: yeah my boyfriend's pretty old-fashioned so I feel like if we move here we won't live together even though that makes no sense since he would be moving here for me.

me: haha oh man yeah...well that's kind of admirable that he's old-fashioned...rare to find

girl 1: true...so do you have a boyfriend too?

me: oh... i did..but we ended it (translation.."no i don't)

girl 1: oh man that sucks!

me: eh nah it's no big deal (translation.."it's no big deal because it didn't really happen and i can't think of anything more clever to say")

girl 1: oh ok - were you the one who ended it?

me: nah..it was pretty much a mutual decision. (translation..."please refrain from asking me more questions as I am the world's worst liar)

After relaying this conversation full of lies to a friend I got the following response:

friend: dude! if you were making up a story, you could have at least come out being the one who ended it!!

me: oh..true.

so there you have it, I'm even nice to my fictional boyfriends...not wanting them to be seen as the dumped..but rather, having us both come out on top (or bottom, depending on how you look at it) as 'mutual dumpers'.

schizophrenia ensues.

my heart's desire

2009-05-06T22:13:00.003-04:00

today my heart craved something it rarely ever does.

Ice Cream.

Not frozen yogurt, or a powdery non-fat concoction whipped into an airy frothy cream-like consistency, no. Ice Cream. Real, rich, dairy-filled, refined sugar loaded ice cream with chocolate chips, cookie dough, and cocoa intertwined.

Today my heart craved Ben & Jerry's, the icon of all that is gluttonous, creamy, decadent, and overloaded with various sugar-filled flavor concoctions.

And today I allowed it. I averted my eyes as I passed 2 frozen yogurt stores, darted past the vegan ice cream parlor, and refused to acknowledge the asian-inspired, much lower in calorie sundae shop, as I walked to my destination. Brightly lit, colorful, calorie-laden Ben & Jerrys.

"1 small cup with 2 big scoops please - Oatmeal Cookie Chunk + Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough."

After a while of imitations, the heart just needs the real thing.

Diversion

2009-05-04T22:40:00.002-04:00

For the next several weeks, in an effort to keep myself in check, my blog will be decidedly food-related.

What I'm eating, how I'm eating, and how I'm saving $ in the food realm.

Prose and poetry is great, but food blogging is calling to me.

pulses and heartbeats

2009-05-02T01:00:00.005-04:00

i've always liked hearing a man's heartbeat.

from the very first to the current, i've always had a thing for lying with my ear near their heart and hearing the steady 'da-dum da-dum da-dum'

"i can hear your heartbeat", I would say out loud, as if I thought this was a Danielle Steel novel and my quirky fascination with hearing heartbeats was supposed to evoke something more romantic than an "mmm...k" from the person in question.

On Wednesday I used your arm as my pillow, my ear pressing against your forearm, and I could hear your pulse - 'da-dum da-dum DA-da-dum' - one quickened unsteady pulse - I was fascinated.

I pulled my wrist close to my other ear and heard my own pulse. It was off-beat as well.

I lay there as you slept, listening to our uneven pulses beat together in perfect harmony, and for a moment I couldn't tell whose was whose and for that moment I couldn't tell what was really so different between us. For that moment, I was oblivious. Obliviously smitten, my heart refusing my brain to speak out and make me see logic.

da-dum da-dum da-da-dum - logic is overrated.

mental or physical

2009-04-29T16:42:00.005-04:00

i don't know if its mental or physical, but I feel so much better when I stay away from meat-products.

yesterday, I had some green tea pannacotta and chocolate pudding - both were made with eggs and at least one was made with cream. I also had a salmon maki roll. The rest of the day my stomach was decidedly in knots.

This morning, I woke up craving a juicy green drink or a salad or something with vitamins, minerals, and water-filled greens.

I purchased a green raw greek salad with avocado and felt alive. Afterwards, I bought a raw chocolate bar - truth be told, I prefer non-raw chocolate, but I do not prefer the stomachache I get after eating it - so the raw chocolate bar provided me with the antioxidants, nut-protein, and cocoa I needed to quell my craving.

It's really hard for me to save money when there is so much good good food to devour. I am trying really hard - I think I'm doing a decent job of it.

anyways - back to raw. I don't know if it's a mental thing, and I'm just getting 'pretend' aches from meat products, but I just feel so good and awake eating 'live' foods.

Plus its hot now, so salads are back in style.

I will attempt the rest of the week in a raw/vegan lifestyle (vegan meaning, maybe some cooked veggies, and possibly veggie sushi rolls, and definitely alcohol of the vino-variety)

will post my thoughts on this next week.

moppy hair and freckles

2009-04-25T02:12:00.007-04:00

in route to hoboken, standing on the path, I look down and see below me a short person about 22 years younger than me discussing submarines, bridges, and sunglasses with his father.

This person has a mop of curls covering his head, piercing blue eyes, and possibly freckles.

Dad: So the subway is like the bridge but underwater

little person: like a submarine?

Dad: exactly - it's like we're in a submarine

little person: oo that's weird

Dad: haha true it is kinda weird

other conversations ensued - as I eavesdropped.

At one point, this wobbly, fairly new to walking, person's head grazed against my forearm and the softest hair i'd ever felt brushed against me. 4 year old product-less and innocent curly moppy hair.

At that moment, I wanted a little person of my own with soft hair to discuss submarines with...my eyes teared up, the subway stopped, and i hurried off to reach my other kid-free 20-somethings and forget about my random urge to procreate.

i'm probably ovulating, hence the urge.

i need someone new to kiss

2009-04-23T21:39:00.002-04:00

I need someone new to kiss.

I'm tired of the same mouth, the same taste, the same hands pulling at my clothes, the same body resting next to mine.

Some say familiarity is comforting - I say its boring.

I'm bored.

Isn't it sad - once you're married or in a long relationship, where does the initial fire go? That 'got to have you now' feeing only remains for a bit I think...after that I'd think things get too comfortable and boring. Then again, what do I know?

All I know is

I need someone new to kiss - I'm getting bored.

i love being busy

2009-04-23T00:54:00.003-04:00

i love being busy doing stuff i enjoy doing.

6 months ago i was doing work that, while not horrible, was not exactly what i wanted.

now - the work is plentiful, the hours are unstructured, and the management, while nice, is a bit crazy - - yet i LOVE it. i LOVE it, i LOVE it. Even when it gets to be too much, even when everything I do doesn't get accolades, I love it b/c it's so me.

The perfect blend of computer science with art and writing - who would've thought?

It is 1256 - and I am working - I do not get overtime - and I do not care.

In other news, a well-known magazine read my online articles and wants me to write for them.

Is this career heaven? I think so.

fafsa

2009-04-20T20:07:00.003-04:00

fafsa and saving $ is like an adventure - saving money and noticing prices ...interesting.

i sound like a brat.

but that's because i am.

well, was.

now i'm a grad-school impending adult.

ya!

scary faced dreams

2009-04-20T00:41:00.004-04:00

you look mean in my dreams

like a mean man with bad intentions, your face in my dreams has the scowl i remember and shudder away from

sometimes my dreams show you as kind, like i remember you to be years ago

then i miss you

but the mean looking you in my most recent dream scares me away

i run away in these dreams, i keep running and running till you leave, my subconscious taking another turn in my REM state of mind

i keep running but you keep coming up

randomly

everywhere

from city to city to dream to dream to email to picture, i see you.

i just want to feel. Apathy.

an oxymoron indeed.

londonians

2009-04-14T00:24:00.002-04:00

London males are just like American males except their accents make everything they say sound dignified and gentlemanly.

If a guy from london wants to kiss you he asks, in perfectly Prince William-esque articulation, "Would it be quite alright if we were to kiss now?"

When a londonian male wants to say a certain group of girls from a certain location are hot, he might say something like, "Girls from Essex are really nice."

Londonian males get away with a lot because the accent is hard to get mad at.

Except when a londonian says the following: Are you going to take my friend home with you, because I do think you should, he quite fancies you.

This is when Londonian males turn into typical boys and it's time for me to go home.

But not before they hail me a cab and I divert from the commonplace cheek kiss.

I'm an American and not just anyone gets to kiss these cheeks, cultural norms be damned.

rum and pineapple juice

2009-04-12T04:03:00.001-04:00

rum and rum and juice and juice, makes me dizzy. The room is spinning and the music is too loud and I think I see you around every corner. But it's not you, it's some random male who looks like you in my drunken daze. And if I scrunch up my nose right when I'm about to cry, I can stop the tears - I've been doing this for months..it's an art I've perfected. No one sees me cry, they just see the scrunched up nose, as if I'm smelling something foul.

Too much rum and juice makes me dizzy. I think I see you and actually have a friend in this world. But then I realize you chose to leave my life - and the dizziness gets sickly, and I need to sit before I puke from the sadness of it all.

Mr. X

2009-04-10T16:08:00.000-04:00

Last night Mr. X surprised me with flowers, perfect white daisies, which are my favorite type. Roses are nice, but for some reasons daisies really make me swoon.

During dinner, Mr. X discusses the economy and politics for a bit and educates me on the info I missed since I replaced CNN with E! news a long time ago. He doesn't mind my interest in pop-culture and things work well because he is patient and explains everything in a way a really good professor might. The only issue with Mr. X on this front is that he is very persuasive, so his liberal democratic ideals rub off on me, but I'm fairly liberal and democratic anyways so it's fine.

After dinner, Mr. X and I walk home. We go upstairs and I begin to read the stack of magazines Conde Nast sends me. They attach each magazine with a press release, hoping I will write a blurb about them in one of my articles. I like this. Conde Nast respects me as a journalist, and this appeals to me greatly. I peruse these articles for the upcoming trends of the season, with the comforting sound of Mr. X's tick-tick-ticking on the laptop. Mr. X wears glasses when he works, and I find him cutest then. I kiss him and the edges of the frame pinch me as our faces touch. I am happy.

After working, we lie in bed together talking about random odds and ends, I fall asleep to his humming as he plays with my hair.

I love Mr. X.

430 pm vs. 300 am

2009-04-08T00:26:00.000-04:00

My male of the moment (M.O.T.M.) is interesting.

I have been seeing said male since December now - and by seeing I mean meeting at parties, hanging out at my apartment, and having countless sleepovers which most likely leave him frustrated and me feigning oblivion and naivety toward his frustrations. I'm a jerk, what can I say?

Recently I decided to make a break from my MOTM because our meetings were beginning to happen later and later in the evening, and by later and later i mean earlier and earlier in the morning.

After my proclamation of 'No more 3 Am calls' was understood, MOTM was a bit shocked at the change of pace.

Today I received a text - 'Want to hang out around 430 after work?'

Meeting a boy at 430 whom you've never seen any earlier than 10pm is a bit nerve-wracking, or maybe I'm just anxiety-prone due to PMS.

Could this MOTM turn into a RWBF? (i'll let you figure out that abbreviation)

Perhaps I'll respond to his next text msg and let the chips lay as they may.

All in the span of a day

2009-04-06T20:09:00.000-04:00

I find repetitive insensitivity interesting...I also find it to be absolute BS.

I find it interesting.

I find it disgusting that there are people who are so insecure in their own abilities that they have to rain on others' parades to make themselves feel better.

I find it disgusting.

I find it stupid to lie about important things, the truth always comes out and with it comes a storm.

I find it stupid.

I find it sad in a way, that I am growing up and realizing that the world for the most part is full of people who won't stick up for you or be on your side because being diplomatic is much more politically correct than choosing a side and making a statement.

I find it sad...but only in a way, because these too, are lessons that must be learned.

I'm a lioness - we are loyal - we choose the sides of those we care for - political correctness be damned.

Sheeps are diplomatic - too scared to pick a side, they follow the herd, their head to the ground grazing the grass.

A lioness will attack if an animal so much as looks at her cubs in the wrong way - fangs glaring, growls erupting, and the instinct to protect in full motion.

A sheep will run away if an attack is made, hoping to save herself - blaming her disloyalty on her Darwinian concept of survival.

A sheep is a sheep is a sheep.

I am a lioness and I'm ready to roar.