Tuesday, June 30, 2009

i want something more

i want a controversial relationship.

i just do.

that is what i want.

controversy in the air as i walk in, and whispers and raised eyebrows from people who don't know better.

i want an air of controversy surrounding the bubble of a safety net i've made for me, my heart, and my forever love.

i can't explain it but it is what i want.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

stunned to tears

it's not that i miss you
or want you back
that's not why i cry from time to time

i cry because i'm stunned
i'm stunned at the cruelty 
from someone who said he loved me

i'm stunned to tears
even now 
after four years

i'm just stunned that someone could do this to me -  the feeling forms in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous and sweaty, reaches to my throat, and usually i can hold it there, but sometimes it spontaneously erupts and out flow a stream of stunned tears.

after you, i cry easily.  

i want just 1 more chance to see you so I can express all of this vocally, but i think if i saw you i would use fruitless words like 'asshole' 'jerk' 'douchebag' - and those don't express anything except anger, which is just a tablespoon of the emotions that have ensued.

perhaps i'll simply email you a 1-liner:  "20somethingprose.blogspot.com"

then you'd see for yourself, how awful you've made me feel.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

poetry of a massochist

another night, another dream; 
another morning full of screams. 
Get out of my head, get out of my heart
i've been trying so hard to make a new start.  
get out, leave my head, leave my bed, leave my heart  
let me live, let me breathe, that is all that i need.
i'm entirely ready to plant a new seed.

Monday, June 1, 2009

vacant fridge and personal finance

in the span of a week - 4 distinct people have commented on the interior of my fridge, or lack thereof.  I have not eaten out much lately, in an effort to save my funds..and I am not starving, so I don't understand why I do not find the need to purchase food. 

I am backtracking a week to see what I ate, where, and how - to make sure I am not missing something in my efforts to save $, and eat fairly healthy.

Monday - May 25th: 
Parents house - $0
Health Factor - Good

Tuesday - May 26th:
Parents house  - $0
Health Factor - Average

Wednesday - May 27th:
Fruit, Miso Soup, Sesame Pannacotta (shot size) - $0
pinkberry-style frozen yogurt with strawberries + mochi - approx $5
pirate's booty white cheddar popcorn - whole bag - $4 approx (520 calories approx....)
2 cookies + green tea - $4
Health Factor - ridiculous!

Thursday - May 28th:
Fruit, 1 veggie maki roll, maybe more pannacotta (shot size)- $0
Salad with baked falafel and hummus - $8
Health Factor - Average

Friday - May 29th:
Fruit, 4-5 shrimp dumplings, 1/2 cup fat free vanilla frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles - $0
1 piece of bread, grilled asparagus, parsnip filled gnocchi with pesto made from beets, a sliver of almond pannacotta, 1/3 of a cannoli, 1/3 of an apple crisp with a bit of vanilla ice cream - $33 
Health Factor - Average

Saturday - May 30th
Bowl of Mangoes - $2.50 ish
4 slices of friend-made banana bread with chocolate chips throughout the day
mojitos - $20
Health Factor - Ridiculous

Sunday - May 31st
Brunch of Hummus, Babagounous, rice, tabouli, pita  - $0
Mac n' Cheese (small size) - less than $6
2 bite sized lindt chocolates - less than $1 i think 
Health Factor - Bad

Monday - June 1st
Miso Soup, Salmon Cucumber Maki Roll, Green tea - $0
Lentil Soup with roasted corn + 1 cup fat free yogurt- $0 (made at home! woo)
Health Factor - Average

money spent on eating out:  $80 
money spent on groceries: $0!
times i used my kitchen to make a meal: 1

how i used to spend: $10 dollars for lunch, $15 for dinner - $25 a day * 5 - 125

a $45 savings during my recent ''take notice of my monies' phase of life.

Health factors: 1 good, 4 averages, 3 bad (2 being ridiculously bad)

now, to go back to my vacant fridge.  If I were to buy groceries - I would buy approx $20-30 dollars of groceries.  Essentially saving maybe another $20, which isn't much.  Although, perhaps saving calories, as I would not be as inclined to eat cookies for dinner.  

In conclusion, will I start grocery shopping? Probably.  Will I eat in more?  I will attempt. Will I drink my dinners in the form of calorie-laden mojitos?  Well, my dears, that's one vice I simply refuse to let go.

In regards to health, I don't believe I am eating enough.  Though, to be fair, my lunches + breakfasts are generally 600-800 calories total of light japanese fair.  My dinners are decidedly lame. and the fat content is high, and protein is incredibly low throughout the day.

that being said, i don't think i eat out that much - and when i do its decidedly health or portion conscious (generally) -- This week I will aim for only 2 days of outside eating.  It helps that I'll be at Parents Home, where everything is $0, for 3 of the 7 day week. 

i have my doubts anyone has read thru my entire tirade. which is fine b/c frankly, this post was more for me than for my readers.

crazy girl

i'm a crazy girl with naturally wildly wavy hair who looks like she'd be fairly normal.

kiss me.

kiss me and you'll feel my crazy.

the on the surface straightened tied up hair and polished poise quickly fade and out comes the bohemian with electric kisses.