Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
i hate 1st dates with weird ppl that talk about themselves.
i miss last year circa this time. i was happy and in love.
now i'm miserable, out of love and going on dates with weird ppl that talk about themselves and talk with their chopsticks
why do all the weirdos like me? staring at me with googly eyes as i sit as far away as humanly possible, my eyes desperately trying to catch the attention of the waitress, hoping she'll understand this sign of dating distress.
'do you want to go to another place for a drink'
'no. no. no i do not. - I have a conference call at 11 pm with south africa'
i get creative when i lie.
when will it get better -PLEASE.
when? i hate dating.
i hate dating.
i hate how cynical and negative i've become.
i hate that i date and all i think about is the good times i had with someone else..even though it wasn't just all good times.
trying to be happy - but stuck in quicksand looking for a way up and out.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
had a reasonably nice conversation
he jotted his email and phone on my case
i decided to email
he requested a meeting and ended the exchange with, 'excited to see you'
2 thoughts come to mind:
1 - how can you be excited to see me? you barely know me.
2-pretty glad i didn't look my usual 'half asleep' self that morning on the train
final note - this is going completely against my 'before 30' business plan...but...we all make a few detours before finally getting there i suppose.
final final note - this will be my first '1st date' since may of 2009 when i thought i had finally found the person who would be my last 1st date. but - i'm going with ease b/c there is no potential here.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
write a 3 line start-up plan (business or otherwise)
Identify your first 3 key actions
Identify and defend your 3 most crucial resources.
Use the 'framework' of the fundamentals as a reference point in doing this.
#2 – My Before-30 Plan
My plan to get married before I’m 30 is very important to me.
My 3 key actions will be to not waste my time with those quintessential ‘bad boys’, keep an open mind and never force something to work even though I know deep down it is not working.
My 3 most crucial resources are my faith, my humor and my sheer positivity; with these resources I will be able to work towards my goal without falling into hopelessness.
Friday, December 3, 2010
today - bagel to ease the queasy stomach + green tea
will workout tonight and eat sparingly.
will also attempt to stop procrastinating through various online channels.
in other news - i've never really thought this way before - but i'm ready for 2010 to be done - who's with me?
in other news - a reikhi man/psychic told me he felt very strong signs/aura of a marriage in my future. he said this in may after a fresh break-up and said it would be in 6-8 months. not that i'm a believer, but..i kinda am. so! 6 months would have been november. 8 would be january. november was not appropriate..and i frankly don't see january being any better.
so maybe psychic ability is all b.s. - but that being said i do believe in reikhi and positive vibes. i don't think i necessarily have to train to give out positive vibes - i just will give them.
so on a completely unrelated note - i am giving out positive vibes right now to someone i love very very much, and hoping they heal quickly and successfully.
Here's hoping God or the Universe is listening...
Thursday, December 2, 2010
a few spoons of nf yogurt with a sprinkle of granola and a handful of berries
starbucks oatmeal with raisins and almonds + 1/2 a cup green tea (note: this is a gross combination)
nonfat no-whip hot chocolate (tall)
wild rice with veggies in a thai-curry
no gym today - too sore
and that's all folks.
Monday, November 29, 2010
i've eaten this delight before but cutting it myself is another story.
from this experience, i've decided that the pomengranate is a very sensual fruit
This red circular root-like fruit, I sliced once to reveal a juicy blood red color. As you crack the pieces you find layers and layers of bright ruby red pomengranate seeds. The red juice drips out staining your cutting board, staining your hands, staining your clothes as you peel and cut, peel and cut. The red seeds seem like tiny beating droplets as you crack the paper-like layer that reveals this gorgeous color, nature's beauty.
Sparkling ruby red seeds encased in thin paper encased in strong orb-like fruit.
Cutting a pomegranate actually makes me horny.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
non fat yogurt, blueberries, almonds
salad of mixed greens, baby tomatoes, cucumbers, chick peas, avocado, crunched up tortilla chips, squeeze of lime, bit of lime-cilantro dressing - YUM.
1 tall non fat salted caramel hot chocolate - EEK
pita, hummus, tabouli, babaganoush - 5-6 french fries - meh
workout = 2.5 mile walk with 7lb laptop in tow
overall good day with a few pangs of pains and dare i say it, a few flailing butterflies.
Monday, November 22, 2010
then nonfat yogurt with blueberries and almonds
then oatmeal with dried fruit and more almonds (@ starbucks)
rest of the week - salads, oatmeal, yogurt berries.
running 5 miles thursday, friday saturday sunday.
i know i say it a lot - but after this weekend...i've decided - i need to get it back. "it"
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
blueberries, nonfat yogurt, a sprinkle of granola
5 baby carrots and a non-fat string cheese
1 delicious salted caramel truffle with a 4 oz cup of whole milk drinking chocolate
2 egg whites, 1/2 a 100 calorie pita, a bit of steamed spinach, raw baby tomatoes and red and green pepppers, 3 slices of fresh mozzarella and a bit of pesto
360 calories worth of dark chocolate covered chocolate peels
2.3 mile walk with approx 10 lbs of stuff on my back and shoulders (ouch)
tomorrow - 7 am kickboxing - promise! and no chocolate!!! (hm..i don't promise that part. tee hee)
Monday, November 15, 2010
i'll do everything but the actual deed.
not because of any religious reasons.
not because i'm a prude.
not because i'm 'saving myself'
the truth is, i would gladly give it up if it weren't for my sanity.
i kiss a guy and i get attached. it doesn't work out and i am sad.
i spend 12 months with one, and i become even more attached. we break up, and i am devastated. i go a little crazy, i feel a little schizo.
if i slept with a guy and things didn't work out, i would not be able to function. literally. unfunctionable.
so i don't have sex because i want to save my sanity.
put a ring on it and then i'll rock your world. promise.
1 low-fat string cheese
small bowl of raw peppers, cucumbers and carrots with lime and salt and pepper
1 skim milk no whip 10-12 oz. hot chocolate
baked fish, brown rice, steamed broccoli (win!)
1 cookie bigger (FAIL) than my head and 2 cups of green tea (ok)
walked 2 miles with a 7 lb laptop in the morning.
no other real workout all day.
tomorrow's plan: go kickboxing! eat well!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I made salmon for the first boy I ever loved. There were no candles, no dimmed lighting, just me in the kitchen and him on a barstool eating and attempting to simultaneously study for finals. It was over fish and physics that I knew I loved him, and all I could do was hope that my grilled to perfection salmon would translate this fact.
Showing affection thru cooking and baking didn't stop with the salmon. I've made cookies for my crushes, politically correct cupcakes for my vegan brother, sugar-free cake for my diabetic grandmothers, blueberry muffins for my sweet-toothed father, and spicy enchiladas for my Mexican-craving mama. All in an effort to express my love, without having to particularly sit and awkwardly say the words.
The saying 'actions speak louder than words' became my motto, and with each squabble with a family member or quickened heartbeat amongst a man, there came a sweet or savory indulgence.
That's not to say that 'I love you' has never been spoken. In the 3 am haze, also known as '4 martinis on an empty stomach later', I've been known to scream 'I love you guys!' to the closest of friends as we dizzily eat corner deli pizza and aggravate the equally intoxicated bystanders by our girlish squeals and shrieks.
Family members and friends didn't seem to notice my hesitance, but lovers certainly did. When each 'you're so gorgeous', 'I really like you', and finally the highly anticipated 'I love you', was followed by a conscientious smile or a bright red color to completely cover my face, the likes and loves of my life slowly left for more verbally inept girls. My salmon-eating boyfriend was the first to go, and I was shocked that my well-marinated fish wasn't enough to make him stay.
I finally decided it was time open my mouth and communicate and the next man I felt anything for would be the lucky one to hear me say the words. When I met him, I felt an instantaneous attraction. In my personal experience, men to whom I am instantaneously attracted end up being very useless, wanting me only for the physical here and now, none of which constitute a relationship. But this man was different, and as we spent weeks discussing our similar love for swimming, reading, and Manhattan dining, I knew this was a lingering spark. I was smitten, perhaps not in love, but in the very serious 'like' stage of a blossoming relationship. So I went for it; my heart beating rapidly and my throat suddenly parched. As we walked along 1st Avenue, our hands intertwined, talking about nothing in particularly, I interrupted and said quite forcefully, "You know…I'm starting to really like you." The pause that followed was just long enough for me to feel what all men past must have felt with my pauses. He smiled slowly and sarcastically said, "Wow. So emotional." I left him for my kitchen a few weeks later, the aromas of dark baking chocolate, pumpkin, tomatoes, and basil filling up my apartment and attempting to heal my heart.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
thank you for picking up the phone even though you know its just so i can vent and vent and vent some more
thank you for responding to my texts
thank you for being patient thank you for your advice thank you for your love
thank you for not telling me that i'm obsessing, that i need to get over it, that i need to stop calling you to vent about it! (even if you wanted to say these things, than you for sparing me that honesty :)
thank you thank you - i will never forget it.
i love you and am so thankful for good friends. <3
Sunday, November 7, 2010
1 large apple + almonds
walked 2 miles
1 large cookie + drinking chocolate
paella, shrimp jambalya, a biscuit, a bite-sized tart
felt a bit sick after - walked 2 miles
plain nonfat yogurt + quite a bit of granola
not the healthiest day but not the worst
yogurt, blueberries, a little granola (9 am)
mini pepper, cucumber, avocado and carrot salad (homemade) (1 pm)
string cheese + 1 egg boiled egg (4pm)
edamame crisps + carrots (6pm)
salad or egg whites with tabouli
rough days, long hours, lots of stress and the heart still aches..but i'm pushing on.
goal for thanksgiving = -5 lbs.
goal for 12/31/10 = total weight loss of 10 lbs.
goal for this week:
mon - boxing in am
tuesday - running in the morning - yoga in the pm if time permits
wednesday - boxing in am
thursday - boxing - noon; yoga - pm
friday - yoga
saturday - boxing
sunday - yoga
i'm feeling better these days - keeping yourself busy and focused helps. that being said, i still miss people and circumstances of my past.
ah well - live and learn - nothing in this world is permanent.
Friday, November 5, 2010
this semester i started out with 2 sessions of bikram in a week (so far)
1 session of boxing and 1 mile of running
loads of walking
i also plan to eat my vitamins and my iron pills
vitamins are key when your diet is lacking...and i'd estimate that at least 70% of city-dwelling 20-30 something have a diet that is lacking in the required amount of daily nutrients.
so my vitamins will be:
1-2 - multi-vitamin
1 - iron pill
1-2- biotin pills
1 - b-12 vitamin
now - if anyone knows me at all, they will know that i hate, hate hate pills. i hate them. i'll be sick for 2 wks before even attempting to swallow a pill.
that being said - health trumps dislike.
now - on to the meals of the day. starting with yesterday:
1) - nonfat plain yogurt, blueberries, granola = win
2)- 6" veggie sub on wheat - with some cheese and baked lays = win
3) - small piece of glazed baked salmon, pesto pasta salad, cucumbers = reasonable win post 90 min bikram session
4) - bag of chocolate covered toffee!!! - fail!
today so far has been:
a couple spoonfuls of plain nonfat yogurt, a few almonds and a serving of wasabi peas..weird, not full of nutrients, but not awful either.
will go for a run later.
its important to stay healthy. one day i plan to hopefully have some babies...since i am already 28, with no future baby daddy insight, i've sadly accepted the fact that i most likely won't have children till post-30. Thus, it will already be harder - and it will be even more challenging if i am deficient in the important vitamins - especially iron.
i can't control my love life - but at least i can control the healthiness of my incubator.
keep this in mind female readers - eat your vitamins! if not for you, then for your future babies!
feel free to laugh. i don't care - it's important!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Lobster: and you will for a while
Monday, October 11, 2010
I was born on the west coast.
If I had stayed there, how would my life be like?
West Coast Sikhs are almost always much less into Sikhi than East Coast Sikhs.
They don't know the history or the reasonings behind our religion, our culture. They aren't taught. They are instead taught to conform. Conform to Western values and Western identity. Adapt so you can find a job and be accepted.
My middle name means Lioness. A Sikh man's middle name means Lion. One of the reasons for this is because we are supposed to be strong, to face adversity and to stand out.
A Sikh man living in the United States stands out because of his physical identity. This is why the majority of my Sikh male friends are strong and confident, attractive souls. They have to be. When you are different, in the crowd of shorn and shaggy hair, you have to stand out with your crown - upright and proud.
It makes me so sad when people decide, they do not care enough, or are not brave enough, to keep the identity. The identity that people have died to preserve.
To this, I blame their surroundings. California, with its adapting fearful souls, its sheep. The ones who don't teach the lessons of Sikhi to their children, who don't understand the beauty and the gift we are given by our Gurus.
It makes me so sad. And yet, what can we do? If you don't know why you should care about something, then you won't care. If you surround yourself by people who don't have similar values then eventually you will adapt.
I have white friends, asian friends, black friends, Hindu friends - and there have been times when even they have been shocked that someone Sikh has decide to cut their hair. This! Is because to them Sikh = long haired or bearded/turbaned man/woman. And this! is because to them this is the norm - because even they have been taught - and for this I am glad.
However, in the West coast - instead when a Sikh man cuts his hair - he gets Facebook comments from his all non-Sikh community that say things like 'you look good!' 'nice job!' To which I want to SCREAM. and say NO YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. however, that won't be understood...because to them, it doesn't matter. To them it was a burden and to them it is now lifted to reveal an awful and depressing buzz cut, a naked chin - remnants of nothing.
So to this - all I can say is - I am grateful that those who do understand and care about the religion still keep the faith going.
The others - I feel sad for because you don't even know what you're missing and how wonderful it is to be Gursikh.
Friday, October 8, 2010
it embarrassingly and quite accurately describes a woman's angst/psychosis. It's interesting b/c this poem was probably written in the 20s/30s and yet this same psychosis still happens to woman of 2010 and will probably continue to happen for years to come.
we have grown and adapted so much and yet, love and lust and sheer anxiety over the affections of the opposite sex are still things that cause the most human emotion, that result in box office movies, best selling novels and countless well-read (or unread) blog postings.
I wonder sometimes, as we continue to progress in society, will this anxious, love-sick genre of women diminish? Will heartache after heartache adapt the modern woman into a stoic emotionless apathetic species?
Darwin's survival of the fittest theory is accurate often - is survival of the heartaches the next adapted breed of women in the future?
if that's the case, adapt without me please.
my money's on the dorothy's of the world.
Friday, October 1, 2010
His face grew more somber before he spoke again. 'Death is not sad; the sad thing is that most people don't really live at all.'"
Monday, September 20, 2010
"shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks but actually kinda likes them?"
i'm always going to be that girl who likes dessert just a little too much, who isn't interested enough in politics to have a long debate but still has an opinion that wants to be valued, who likes wearing flowy dresses, who likes to wander the new york city streets aimlessly and who is just a little bit too loud once in a while.
shouldn't i hold out for the person who kinda likes my quirks, and doesn't just tolerate them?
and shouldn't i wait to be with someone who's quirks i like, and don't just have an 'open mind' about?
yes and yes.
so many signs so many signs.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I'm sure..in fact, I know! that God's plan for me is going to be so great - and while thing's hurt me right now ..it's all part of the plan!
perhaps this post makes no sense..but it's my optimistic post of the week/year.
deal with it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
when are they going to become a reality?
people say its important to have patience.
i've been patient - i know patience...and honestly, she's being a bitch.
i need a sign. please please please just give me a sign to confirm the cliches i hold as truths spouted from the sky.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
we mope about our lost loves together.
it's cathartic - almost like scratching a scab when its itchy...
until the scab gives way to bright red oozing blood.
hopefully my venting with my moping enabler won't cause the same sort of pain.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
you can't control the viewpoints of others and the decisions of others.
unfortunately these decisions can sometimes affect you very badly - and this feeling is due to their decisions, which are completely out of your control.
today i was feeling particularly void of control, and then i realized that i have control over myself, over my health, my work and my body.
and so - i went to LA boxing and purchased a 9 month membership. I paid upfront, thus I cannot cancel, and thus I have just invested quite a bit of money towards toning up and getting into much better shape.
maybe i can't control people's feelings and decisions - but I can control the way I react to them, and I refuse to react by sitting on a couch eating chocolate covered ginger until I feel sick and unhealthy.
and so - i will box. box to get out my frustrations and box to toughen up my mind, body and spirit.
also - i will box b/c i paid too much not to - and i don't want to waste money. though i feel that spending money on boxing is equivalent to spending money on therapy - with an added perk of toning up and increasing endurance.
wish me luck!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
one day i'll be married to someone who loves me just as i am
one day i'll have babies and
one day those babies will grow up into tweens, then teens, then young adults, then adults
and they'll come to me with their angst and i'll tell them
one day you'll be fine and happy and all of this will be hilarious
just like one day all my angst will be hilarious to me
one day, one day
one day soon.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
that's what it is.
but it's interspersed with bits of happiness and love and birth and joy.
why are the greatest moments the shortest and the saddest the most drawn out? if life was a minute, more than 1/2 of its 60 seconds would be sadness. But the less than 1/2 that is happiness is so amazingly striking that we suffer and we cry and we crawl up into fetal positions and bawl and throw things and feel empty and wait. Wait for happiness, because as short as it is - it is so lovely when you have it..even though, like everything in this world including life, it doesn't last.
nothing lasts. not life. not love. not sorrow. not happiness. not jobs. not degrees. not friends. not family. not lovers. in the end, you go alone.
so live in the moment and enjoy what comes, without being too attached, because it'll leave in a millisecond, leaving you grasping hopelessly at the air as it flies away - a millisecond of a second of a minute in your life.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
"i know you're feeling sad right now, but actually i'm a little happy for you - for the first time in a very long time you were looking for the best of someone - that's what you fell for, you fell for the best in them - you opened yourself up and you fell in love and you're gonna need to keep yourself open to that happening again
otherwise, what's the point?"
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
There was a time where I loved to be alone - sitting in my apartment with the tick ticking of my laptop to entertain me - now I loathe it.
Today - I had no dinner plans so today I ate no dinner. Eating alone ensues a loss of appetite.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"you have this glow..it's really pretty."
i didn't want to say how i felt - that i glow because I'm happy and I'm happy because I'm here, lying next to you.
it's ok - i'm sure he knew.
i hope i glow again soon.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
and super emotional.
all based on a dream and a lazy friday night where i had nothing better to do but remember.
and now its saturday afternoon, and with ani difranco ringing in my ears and my ovulated state reaching its peak, i decided to do something irrational, ridiculous and really dumb.
most likely, it will amount to nothing and no one will be the wiser.
most likely, my perception of you will stay the way it has for the past 5 years.
my perception that you are an asshole.
but i can't help that 2% of me, that hyper-sensitive, overly hormonal, side of me that is hoping maybe i'll see the you i've missed. The '2001 to mid 2005' You. The one I miss and mourned for like a life lost, a time lost, a friendship lost, a love lost.
but as the clock ticks on that 2% of me fades again, and my hyper sensitivity gives way to a flow of crimson red, that washes out my insides, including the part of me that still feels for you.
until next month, perhaps - though i wish it wasn't so.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
'what?' he says, 'just tell me...why do you keep doing that?'
sweaty palms, giggles and butterflies in my stomach stop me from speaking.
then finally..eyes looking down, deep breath, and i squeak..
'i love you.'
and there it is..my open proclamation.
because if you feel it, you should say it.
and so i did.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
eating whole bags of processed cheddar fish-shaped crackers and pints of chunky cookie dough full-fat ice cream for dinner. vitamin deficiencies be damned.
i had a lot of fun.
cupcakes, cookies, white bread and cheese sandwiches, wine, mojitos made with so much sugar that the glass looked dirty from the sugary crystals swirling round and round, intertwining with mint and ice.
i had a lot of fun and now it's spring and it's time to work it off.
fun is good. it's tasty and delectable. but it's time for a new sort of fun and this sort of fun requires egg whites and vodka sodas interspersed with miles of running and dozens of lunges.
my fun was great, but winter is gone, and with it goes the layers.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
everyone has their own weirdness and eccentricities...thankfully, God has made groups of people who embrace and enjoy the company of various levels and types of different behavior. And to us, we define 'normal'.
We all have our own group of misfits that sing to the same tune and dance in the same psychedelic pot-filled drum circle, jumping and spinning, eyes-closed as we listen to the beat, our bare feet pounding the dirty beach sand in unison.
and this is normal to me.
and this is real.
and this is love, understanding and truth.
i love my misfits.
Monday, March 15, 2010
is this the way it's supposed to be?
i love his sweetness and genuine nature but other times i feel suffocated, losing myself in the critical comments and constant corrections of my opinions, my lifestyle, and worst of all, my grammar, which i foresee as flawless.
is this the way it's supposed to be?
i want to be adored. and understood. and loved!!!!
Aristophanes once said that our ancestors were 4 armed, 2 headed creatures full of pride due to their perfect pairings. Zeus cut them in half to reduce this pride, and thus, since this split, we are all constantly looking for our 2nd half. Unfortunately, hardly anyone ever truly finds this real 2nd half...and thus we keep trying to fit ourselves (successfully and sometimes, unsuccessfully) with other halfs in order to find that half that cleanly connects to our puzzled edges.
sometimes i feel as if i am smashing my edges against yours hoping that i can force a facetious fit.
other times i am hoping i can mold our edged puzzled pieces to connect beautifully.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
butterflies in my stomach and a tennis ball in my throat stop the words from erupting into the 4 am new york city air and floating up one foot from my mouth and into your ear.
and that's how i know...butterflies and tennis balls.