religious scripture

all the scriptures say to treat the world like a forest and remain detached at heart.

is it interesting that when i hear said scriptures, spoken in a language i don't fluently understand, it has always made me cry? its as if the part of me that evokes tears can translate, analyze and feel some sort of way about words that my mind is not familiar with.

then i read the translation and it makes sense why i'm crying - because I have never been able to be detached; because I never want to be! Which is the constant battle - how can I follow a line in my religious text that I just cannot grasp or understand? I am obviously missing something, but even when its explained to me by someone more in touch with their religious roots, it makes no sense. I want to feel and be attached, regardless of any pain it may or may not cause. Because oh! when it doesn't cause pain...oh! it is pure pure, amazing awesome joy. So the pain, is worth it for the joy. But then, why do these learned pious teachers state over and over again to remain detached? I don't understand...and I'm scared to understand..which is why I think I cry - because I never want to be detached. What's life without attachments? Calmer? possibly. Lonelier? I think, most definitely.

Obviously, I am not close enough yet to religious enlightenment to understand this concept. Thus, I will keep on hurting and loving and repeating the cycle over and over till it eventually comes to an organic end and something beautiful blooms.

confidence? what confidence?

since when did i lose all confidence in my entire self?

when did that happen, because I sure didn't sign up for it?

meaning

does it freak people out when you tell them how much they mean to you?

sometimes i think it might.

verdicts still out on this one.

and so..my mouth will stay closed for now.

great good friend

i still miss you, my friend

as i read my economics book, i remember how you taught me - patiently - and how you knew immediately when i didn't understand something - how you smiled, and tried to teach me again, and again and again  - until something finally clicked and i got it.

i miss your familiarity and your intuition into my feelings, into my soul.

i miss you, my friend.  

you were a good friend - a great friend.

great friends, however, rarely make good boyfriends - and this is something i wish i had known so that maybe, just maybe, i could have kept my great good friend. - instead of wasting years of friendship on a short-term strange type of intimacy that dissolved into a hot pool of anger and bitterness, eventually evaporating all that we had before.

dc

d.c. is not new york.

analyze that statement as you wish.

all i have to say is - d.c. is not new york.

and i do miss my city so.

frat boys and rooftop kisses

today i got a random text message from a guy i made out with on a sloping roof of a beer pong party, in a goalie net of a soccer field, in an elevator, and once while he was handcuffed to a bed.

it was a simple cordial text - 7 years after our rendezvous.  from time to time, we speak and catch up and it is generally a platonic conversation mixed with random reminiscing.

i've kept in touch with 2.5 out of the x males I spent time with during my undergraduate years.

the others were unable to sustain a friendship - perhaps it was both-sided.

irregardless, i like these random calls and text messages i get from these random males of my younger, more naive  days.  Reminiscing about these past random free-flying experiences makes me happy, and staying in touch with random people from my past is always nice.

smiles

school makes me happy.

reading for school and planning and prepping and getting overwhelmed with a bunch of other people in the same boat as me, makes me happy!

school plus wine plus reading when hazy with wine overdose makes me smile.

making new friends makes me excited.

new friends. new city. new awesome education. 

alcohol.

poor happy grad student with a future bar tab that exceeds my budget = me :-D