what is this?

arguments and criticisms swirl the phone lines of our long-distance romance.

is this the way it's supposed to be?

i love his sweetness and genuine nature but other times i feel suffocated, losing myself in the critical comments and constant corrections of my opinions, my lifestyle, and worst of all, my grammar, which i foresee as flawless.

is this the way it's supposed to be?

i want to be adored. and understood. and loved!!!!

Aristophanes once said that our ancestors were 4 armed, 2 headed creatures full of pride due to their perfect pairings. Zeus cut them in half to reduce this pride, and thus, since this split, we are all constantly looking for our 2nd half. Unfortunately, hardly anyone ever truly finds this real 2nd half...and thus we keep trying to fit ourselves (successfully and sometimes, unsuccessfully) with other halfs in order to find that half that cleanly connects to our puzzled edges.

sometimes i feel as if i am smashing my edges against yours hoping that i can force a facetious fit.

other times i am hoping i can mold our edged puzzled pieces to connect beautifully.

let's see.

snow and chaos

shuttles are canceled

classes are 'come at your own risk'

and now my way home - a decidedly constant means of transportation - is 50/50.

snow in D.C. is considered an apocalyptic event.

everyone needs to calm down.

perhaps

perhaps i spoke to soon

perhaps i didn't

in my sober melancholy normalcy, i realize that i think i certainly blogged too soon.

butterflies and tennis balls

in my soco and lime haze, i realize i am in love with you.

butterflies in my stomach and a tennis ball in my throat stop the words from erupting into the 4 am new york city air and floating up one foot from my mouth and into your ear.

and that's how i know...butterflies and tennis balls.

oh i do i do i do like you just the same

we have nothing in common

nothing at all

but i'm not thinking about this while i sit on your lap

swinging my feet that don't reach the ground as you teach me accounting

i feel small and secure

enveloped against you on a chair staring at a spreadsheet

you are so mature, i sometimes find you to be too old for me

but you kiss me so sweetly

between explanations of allocations

we have nothing in common

nothing at all

and yet, i like you just the same

religious scripture

all the scriptures say to treat the world like a forest and remain detached at heart.

is it interesting that when i hear said scriptures, spoken in a language i don't fluently understand, it has always made me cry? its as if the part of me that evokes tears can translate, analyze and feel some sort of way about words that my mind is not familiar with.

then i read the translation and it makes sense why i'm crying - because I have never been able to be detached; because I never want to be! Which is the constant battle - how can I follow a line in my religious text that I just cannot grasp or understand? I am obviously missing something, but even when its explained to me by someone more in touch with their religious roots, it makes no sense. I want to feel and be attached, regardless of any pain it may or may not cause. Because oh! when it doesn't cause pain...oh! it is pure pure, amazing awesome joy. So the pain, is worth it for the joy. But then, why do these learned pious teachers state over and over again to remain detached? I don't understand...and I'm scared to understand..which is why I think I cry - because I never want to be detached. What's life without attachments? Calmer? possibly. Lonelier? I think, most definitely.

Obviously, I am not close enough yet to religious enlightenment to understand this concept. Thus, I will keep on hurting and loving and repeating the cycle over and over till it eventually comes to an organic end and something beautiful blooms.

confidence? what confidence?

since when did i lose all confidence in my entire self?

when did that happen, because I sure didn't sign up for it?