pms induced massochism

i just did something really dumb.

and super emotional.

all based on a dream and a lazy friday night where i had nothing better to do but remember.

and now its saturday afternoon, and with ani difranco ringing in my ears and my ovulated state reaching its peak, i decided to do something irrational, ridiculous and really dumb.

most likely, it will amount to nothing and no one will be the wiser.

most likely, my perception of you will stay the way it has for the past 5 years.

my perception that you are an asshole.

but i can't help that 2% of me, that hyper-sensitive, overly hormonal, side of me that is hoping maybe i'll see the you i've missed. The '2001 to mid 2005' You. The one I miss and mourned for like a life lost, a time lost, a friendship lost, a love lost.

but as the clock ticks on that 2% of me fades again, and my hyper sensitivity gives way to a flow of crimson red, that washes out my insides, including the part of me that still feels for you.

until next month, perhaps - though i wish it wasn't so.

sweaty palms

taking big gulps of air, i'm about to explode, but i swallow then and say 'nevermind!'

'what?' he says, 'just tell me...why do you keep doing that?'

sweaty palms, giggles and butterflies in my stomach stop me from speaking.

then finally..eyes looking down, deep breath, and i squeak..

'i love you.'

and there it is..my open proclamation.

because if you feel it, you should say it.

and so i did.

fun and bingeing

i had a lot of fun.

eating whole bags of processed cheddar fish-shaped crackers and pints of chunky cookie dough full-fat ice cream for dinner. vitamin deficiencies be damned.

i had a lot of fun.

cupcakes, cookies, white bread and cheese sandwiches, wine, mojitos made with so much sugar that the glass looked dirty from the sugary crystals swirling round and round, intertwining with mint and ice.

i had a lot of fun and now it's spring and it's time to work it off.

fun is good. it's tasty and delectable. but it's time for a new sort of fun and this sort of fun requires egg whites and vodka sodas interspersed with miles of running and dozens of lunges.

my fun was great, but winter is gone, and with it goes the layers.

forgetful

i do forget the good things sometimes - and there are quite a few good things.

will work to remember them and not let past experiences sully current events.

i am what i am

i'd rather be considered weird by a few than change my personality completely to conform to a norm that is not my own.

everyone has their own weirdness and eccentricities...thankfully, God has made groups of people who embrace and enjoy the company of various levels and types of different behavior. And to us, we define 'normal'.

We all have our own group of misfits that sing to the same tune and dance in the same psychedelic pot-filled drum circle, jumping and spinning, eyes-closed as we listen to the beat, our bare feet pounding the dirty beach sand in unison.

and this is normal to me.
and this is real.
and this is love, understanding and truth.

i love my misfits.

what is this?

arguments and criticisms swirl the phone lines of our long-distance romance.

is this the way it's supposed to be?

i love his sweetness and genuine nature but other times i feel suffocated, losing myself in the critical comments and constant corrections of my opinions, my lifestyle, and worst of all, my grammar, which i foresee as flawless.

is this the way it's supposed to be?

i want to be adored. and understood. and loved!!!!

Aristophanes once said that our ancestors were 4 armed, 2 headed creatures full of pride due to their perfect pairings. Zeus cut them in half to reduce this pride, and thus, since this split, we are all constantly looking for our 2nd half. Unfortunately, hardly anyone ever truly finds this real 2nd half...and thus we keep trying to fit ourselves (successfully and sometimes, unsuccessfully) with other halfs in order to find that half that cleanly connects to our puzzled edges.

sometimes i feel as if i am smashing my edges against yours hoping that i can force a facetious fit.

other times i am hoping i can mold our edged puzzled pieces to connect beautifully.

let's see.

snow and chaos

shuttles are canceled

classes are 'come at your own risk'

and now my way home - a decidedly constant means of transportation - is 50/50.

snow in D.C. is considered an apocalyptic event.

everyone needs to calm down.