500 days..

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

control

sometimes, one feels out of control.

you can't control the viewpoints of others and the decisions of others.

unfortunately these decisions can sometimes affect you very badly - and this feeling is due to their decisions, which are completely out of your control.

today i was feeling particularly void of control, and then i realized that i have control over myself, over my health, my work and my body.

and so - i went to LA boxing and purchased a 9 month membership. I paid upfront, thus I cannot cancel, and thus I have just invested quite a bit of money towards toning up and getting into much better shape.

maybe i can't control people's feelings and decisions - but I can control the way I react to them, and I refuse to react by sitting on a couch eating chocolate covered ginger until I feel sick and unhealthy.

and so - i will box. box to get out my frustrations and box to toughen up my mind, body and spirit.

also - i will box b/c i paid too much not to - and i don't want to waste money. though i feel that spending money on boxing is equivalent to spending money on therapy - with an added perk of toning up and increasing endurance.

wish me luck!

xoxo

one day

one day i'll be happy

one day i'll be married to someone who loves me just as i am

one day i'll have babies and

one day those babies will grow up into tweens, then teens, then young adults, then adults

and they'll come to me with their angst and i'll tell them

one day you'll be fine and happy and all of this will be hilarious

just like one day all my angst will be hilarious to me

one day, one day

one day soon.

apples on the ground

just because i didn't get my 1st pick of apple on my first try, doesn't mean i should give up and settle with an apple that is rolling around in the mud.

in indian culture, the idea of healing after a heartbreak is a bit less understood, and the idea of a 28 year old female needing time to heal is appalling.

as i yell to be heard over the deafening sound of my ticking biological clock that seems to ring only louder as each respective non-related aunt or uncle ask me about my romantic goals of the future and recommend males who are my absolute antithesis, the anxiety piles up and I get caught in the whirlwind of expectations and fear.

Expectations that I have not met.

Fear that I will cross the forbidden threshold of 30, my ticking clock slowly dying out, along with questions of my goals, as I am now perceived as a lost cause.

And yet - my only fear is that I will never find the one, who likes me....just as I am.

over dramatic.

lover of chocolate.

sickly emotional.

5'1.

against mud-dripping apples.

me.

it is what it is

the world is full of sadness and death and pain and tears and hunger and loneliness.

that's what it is.

but it's interspersed with bits of happiness and love and birth and joy.

why are the greatest moments the shortest and the saddest the most drawn out? if life was a minute, more than 1/2 of its 60 seconds would be sadness. But the less than 1/2 that is happiness is so amazingly striking that we suffer and we cry and we crawl up into fetal positions and bawl and throw things and feel empty and wait. Wait for happiness, because as short as it is - it is so lovely when you have it..even though, like everything in this world including life, it doesn't last.

nothing lasts. not life. not love. not sorrow. not happiness. not jobs. not degrees. not friends. not family. not lovers. in the end, you go alone.

so live in the moment and enjoy what comes, without being too attached, because it'll leave in a millisecond, leaving you grasping hopelessly at the air as it flies away - a millisecond of a second of a minute in your life.

sometime lifetime movies are just what you need

"i know you're feeling sad right now, but actually i'm a little happy for you - for the first time in a very long time you were looking for the best of someone - that's what you fell for, you fell for the best in them - you opened yourself up and you fell in love and you're gonna need to keep yourself open to that happening again

that's what we do

otherwise, what's the point?"

never eat alone

i never read the book - but i do agree, eating alone is ridiculous. You should always be meeting people - close friends, business colleagues, distant friends for meals because you never know what can come of it. Networking is key to life and always wards off loneliness.

There was a time where I loved to be alone - sitting in my apartment with the tick ticking of my laptop to entertain me - now I loathe it.

Today - I had no dinner plans so today I ate no dinner. Eating alone ensues a loss of appetite.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.