i want the meal not the appetizer

i want the meal not the appetizer.

a fellow blogger and friend made this comment in regards to my quote regarding patience.

its funny b/c i am not only impatient regarding life events, but i have limited patience at restaurants at well. Erego, I scarf down my appetizer and then get agitated if my main course does not come in time.

Not always - but sometimes. I've had a lot of appetizers in my earlier 20s...and now all I want is that amazing main course. Or perhaps - what i'm really waiting for is dessert - the perfect end to a long irritating meal.

i don't know what i'm talking about - i'm not even hungry right now.

random shorts

some shorts i wrote a while ago to get my brain moving when i was trying to write i think. i like to do this exercise of writing whatever is in your head quickly because it often helps open up writer's block. lame thoughts but I want to keep it somewhere so here it is. actually not really lame as much as hackneyed, i suppose.

I want love. A real love. A love like lovers dream of in the night sky looking at the moon. A love, a lover’s loving longing love. I have longed! I am longing. I am longing for my love love love. The one I’ll walk with, swoon for, eat with, laugh with – the one I’ll fight with and love through it all. I’m looking for a love. A love love love love – unconditional, ever-sweet, amorously affectionate lovely luscious love. Love.

Patience they tell me. They say it in my dreams – in my thoughts. My ever beating passionate emotional heart screams with angst, wants for passion, wants for love and happiness and the bursting feeling of joy that comes only through that perfect match with a perfect for you mate. Patience. Patience. Patience. It is so hard – so hard to be patient for so long. So hard to almost get your wish, but then for it to disappear – to disappear so quickly and so completely that you sometimes wonder, “was it all just a dream?”

an op-ed on a fellow blogger

now that school is over, i find myself with nothing to do for a bit.

erego - a blog post.

my blog friend (and real friend) http://bikinimartini.blogspot.com/ has some interesting posts she's writing right now and it's interesting because our belief's and posts are like night and day - yet she's still one of my closest friends.

bikini believes that sex without a relationship is the way we are supposed to be. Humans are animals after all - and evolutionary I suppose that does make sense.

I think anyone who has ever read any of my posts knows I don't believe that this is all there is to it.

Bikini's latest post is very interesting - in it she describes an experiment where she will act like a typical late 20s relationship-hungry female. She estimates that acting this way will result in males losing interest in a faster amount of time than if she just acted like her self - a non-relationship hungry female.

I must say that for the most part I agree. Most males are intrigued by the female who doesn't want a relationship and just wants sex with no strings. However - I do think, that there are those out there that actually do want a long-term partner to grow with, have babies with, etc. etc. Contrary to popular belief, these relationship-craving men do exist! They exist and the older we get, the more there are!

So I'm excited to see how bikini will fare - and I secretly/not-so-secretly hope she meets a guy who surprises her, challenges her beliefs and makes her fall truly madly and deeply in love.

or as she likes to call it, attachment.

random thought

my last relationship made me lose faith in my abilities and my intellect. that loss of faith is still kind of there except i notice it more and stop myself. isn't it weird how one relationship can you change your esteem so drastically? i don't even blame the person i was with, i blame myself! for being so easily molded. it's embarrassing and its also a life lesson. since then, i sometimes find myself talking to ppl with the expectation that they won't take me seriously. i even find myself laughing at myself just to laugh b/c i'm so used to being taken unseriously. that's a serious issue.

but i've been working on it - gaining back my confidence slowly and effectively - and thanking God every step of the way - not only for ending that experience, but for allowing me to have it to learn from.

some great advice

i read this on twitter today and found it to be such great advice that I had to retweet, post on facebook, post on my g-chat and now post on my blog! ready?

"Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?""

I thought I had lost my one chance at love, marriage and happiness a few months ago when the guy I thought I was going to marry decided he wasn't ready to commit.

I really sincerely thought that - and although it still hurts even now when I think about the attachment and the closeness that is simply nonexistant now, I read this quote and have to smile.

Because in 5 years it really won't matter. It will be something I laugh about with my friends, with a new truer better love, and hopefully/maybe even smile about as I kiss my kids good night. It won't matter -but it will have helped me get to where I want/need and was supposed to get to.

So do I regret the heartache, the post after post depicting my pain, the long talks with friends agonizing and obsessing over this male? No. I don't. Because I needed it - I needed to have this experience to learn more about myself so that 5 years from now I can read this blog post and laugh at how silly it all seems, as I go to pick up my child from daycare and then come home to my wonderful husband that I never would have met had it not been for what I learned from this relationship that 5 years before seemed all-consuming.

so thank you. for the lessons, the pain, the fun and the love. I needed it, I need it - all to help me move along on the path towards the right one!

dr. livingstone, i presume

today i am blogging from livingston, zambia - a country in east africa bordering zimbabwe. Zambia is best known for the Victorian Falls - which are the largest water falls in the country and one of the 7 natural wonders on Earth. I visited the falls today and even hiked around in the forest where the falls are. Walking around you need a raincoat b/c the falls are huge and the mist and water will completely soak you.

While going down (and then later, up) some rocks - I realized how risk-averse I am. Every step I took was cautious and fearful of falling, slipping or running into an animal or gigantic bug.

I can't change who I am - but I can attempt to try some things that are out of my comfort zone, and so perhaps coming to Africa is one of these events.

The trip is lovely so far - and as always, my blog will go back to my 1st love - food. Africa has food that is primarily influenced by England, along with a bit of Indian cuisine as well..which makes sense since the English had control over India for a while. Today I tried Zambian cuisine - which tasted like Ethiopian food - various portions of stewed vegetables along with a sort of solid cornmeal type thing that looked more like cream of wheat and reminded me of injera bread.

The meal was good - and I always appreciate trying local cuisine.

Tomorrow - I go for a day long safari. I'll be honest - seeing a ton of animals doesn't excite me as much as it does my travel-mates...however I think if you come to Africa and don't at least try to see a lion, then its somewhat of a wasted trip.

And on that note, I am off to search for dessert..something I haven't found yet and that I am certainly currently craving!

ciao ciao

dull ache

i have this dull ache in my heart that isn't going away.

its there - in the back - constantly aching. it's better than it was. i can get through the day without crying now. I can get up and do things without constantly coveting a year ago. I can be practical and understand that this is for the absolute 100% best.

but nevertheless, there is a dull ache inside of my heart - its dull, barely audible now, just slowly gnawing away at my over-emotional entity, wishing someone would hear it and make it go away with bouts of affection and kept promises.

but no. the dull ache continues, slowly and carefully plucking away at the sutured strings of my broken broken heart.