Wednesday, December 17, 2008

what dreams may come

i had a dream about you...again.

i don't know how many times this has been.

i bet you don't know how i feel AT ALL.  i wonder if you think about me ever.  I wonder - do you dislike me?  do you think i dislike you?

i woke up with a horrible stomach-ache and had to hold my stomach tightly with my arms while i bent down - scrounged up into a little ball, hoping the pain would die out.  Then a gasp, and an awful cry - and my heart started to beat fast.

i have an issue with my heart - whenever I get too scared or too sad, it beats too hard and starts to hurt really bad. Then I have to stand or lie perfectly straight and try to breath in deeply, but the deeper I breath the sharper the sting, so I end up taking short tiny breaths until the pain subsides.  I think it means it's breaking - no one else believes that concept, so I have to go see another doctor this week.  

my therapist says i am in a deep mourning.

to which i reply, 'but it's been 3 years'

to which he replies 'it doesn't matter'

that will be $200.00 - healthcare doesn't cover sadness.

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