God Bless the USA

We're really lucky we live in America.

Generally speaking, my days aren't spent worrying about suicide bombers walking in to the bank as I take out money for my new $600 handbag, $400 shoes, or $100 dinner - my bags could feed a small village of children, but my mind isn't in Africa, India, or some other nation in need.  My mind is on that that crisp python snake skin metallic Michael Kors tote that beckoned to me from the Soho showroom.  

If I go to a restaurant, the worry about picking up a life threatening disease is close to null.

When we see airplanes in the sky, we hardly notice.  We only look up if it's writing a message in the sky - an advertisement for beer, a proposal, a sports victory cheer.  We don't worry that seeing an airplane will result in an airstrike.

There is poverty - but even that is sheltered poverty.  I see the same "homeless" people on the streets everyday, with their cardboard signs, their dogs, and their cellphones.  Note:  If you have a cellphone, you have the ability to get a job.

Poverty anywhere else is children with transparent skin, empty eyes, and protruding bones. Begging mothers, angry men, and wailing babies.

That is poverty.  That is fear.

Perhaps it's all relative.  But sometimes it feels that we are truly blessed.

I can't help but wonder - why me? why them?  Perhaps the more fortunate are here to help the less.  Yet, the majority of us live in our little plastic castles under the sea - trivialities consume us, and only the really special (or maybe just really determined) make it to the surface of the fishbowl, gasping in the air of ailments, poverty, starvation, and war that is just above the surface, unable for most of us to see.

pakistan and india

Listening to their discussions about impending wars between Pakistan and India, I feel slightly ignorant.  I know enough to get by, but to speak so assuredly about the possible future of both countries is not something I can do. I'm American, of Indian descent.  My depth of historic knowledge covering the Revolutionary and Civil War here in the states.  Perhaps this will be an issue in the long run.  

'She's Indian-Punjabi' - he says as he nods over to me.

I look up at them perplexed, as they gape and break into fits of laughter.

"She's Indian Punjabi and you're Pakistani Punjabi - hahahaha"

I don't get it.

He thinks we're different because he's from Pakistan and I'm from India.  

I think we're different because I'm from Manhattan and he's from Connecticut.

to-may-to - to-mah-to.

what dreams may come

i had a dream about you...again.

i don't know how many times this has been.

i bet you don't know how i feel AT ALL.  i wonder if you think about me ever.  I wonder - do you dislike me?  do you think i dislike you?

i woke up with a horrible stomach-ache and had to hold my stomach tightly with my arms while i bent down - scrounged up into a little ball, hoping the pain would die out.  Then a gasp, and an awful cry - and my heart started to beat fast.

i have an issue with my heart - whenever I get too scared or too sad, it beats too hard and starts to hurt really bad. Then I have to stand or lie perfectly straight and try to breath in deeply, but the deeper I breath the sharper the sting, so I end up taking short tiny breaths until the pain subsides.  I think it means it's breaking - no one else believes that concept, so I have to go see another doctor this week.  

my therapist says i am in a deep mourning.

to which i reply, 'but it's been 3 years'

to which he replies 'it doesn't matter'

that will be $200.00 - healthcare doesn't cover sadness.

dirty talk

talk to me about the moon and the stars and speak other centuries-old romantic prose.

anything more direct in the bedroom only makes me blush.

i'm not an obscenities in the bedroom type of girl.

doppelganger

I met your doppelganger last night.  Actually, I guess 'doppelganger' isn't the right term.  In the literary sense, 'Doppelganger' has kind of a negative connotation. So I suppose I met your 'look a like', your 'sound a like', your 'act a like' and I don't know what word would fit those 3 phrases best.  But I met him. He held my hand for a second, and I noticed he wore frayed threads strewn together in a bracelet form on his left wrist. I remembered how I bought you one once because I knew you loved them so.  I think in my mojito and martini haze, I may have mentioned your wrist bracelet obsession to him.  Actually, I may have told him all about you. He didn't seem to mind. He held my hand for a second, and for a second I thought it was you.  

vampire love

i believe it's the dangerous, yet protective edge that allures me to the idea of falling in love with a real-life vampire. Perhaps it's the post-Santa Clause age fantasy for tween/teen-aged girls, but there's something about the idea that excites me.

Unfortunately, I'm a 20-something, not a something-teen.

Vampires are generally described as pale-faced, tall, masculine, strong creatures with beautiful facial features that cause humans to be allured by them. (hence making it easier to dive in for the 'kill') I think it's the aesthetic qualities, tied in with the 'good-vampire' ideal that makes this type of mate so appealing. A "bad guy turned good". What every woman fantasizes about. Perhaps this is why, when good, soft-natured guys come my way - I generally don't appreciate them as much. I don't want the good cop. I want the fanged and masculine vampire to come and whisk me away and be taunted by the scent of my blood, but to go against his primal instincts of killing me, because his love for me is too deep.

vampire love is hot right now.

tween-aged obsession

20-something: guys i wish there were really vampires out there...so i could date one
silver surfer: I'm glad there's no vampires, but some people actually believe they exist, and want to become one. You can date them, but I'm sure they're sketchy.

my friends make me laugh - the throw-your-head-back kind of laughter - which is, let's face it, the absolute best kind.

nonsensical medical students

Doctor-to-Be #1:  So I smoked most of the weed from the other night, but I have a little left over

Me:  Do you smoke up...every day?

Doctor-to-Be #1:  What! I'm not an addict just b/c I smoke-up - besides I smoke cigarettes after b/c they keep me awake and in the zone

Me: Don't you have work tomorrow...

Doctor-to-Be #1: Yeah pretty early actually, but no surgeries, I just stitch some people up sometimes. 

Doctor-to-Be #2: It's so gross!  The women's breasts were swinging like pendulums b/c she's old and they were sagging.

Me:  Um...isn't that kind of insensitive for you to be saying about your own patient?  

Doctor-to-Be #2: hahah yeah I guess...but still dude - it's so gross! hahah

Doctor-to-Be #3: i can't believe they didn't let her in to the club

Me: Yeah dude..pretty lame, they didn't let that guy in either for the same reason

Doctor-to-Be #3: Oh well he definitely shouldn't have been allowed in!

Me: Um..why?  He did the same thing as the girl..

Doctor-to-Be: Yeah...but still...

Me: But still..what?

Doctor-to-Be: hey, wanna get some donuts?

Me: No.

Doctor-to-Be #4: So do you want to get some wine?

Me: Yeah - sure

Doctor-to Be #4: Just to let you know, I drink..but I don't want anyone to know so if we could just keep this between us, that'd be awesome.

Me:  Um..I don't know anyone you know...but all right..

So there you have it - a smoking weed-addicted 2nd year resident, an insensitive 1st year resident, a hypocritical 'unable to form complete thoughts' 2nd year med-student, and a very strange, somewhat anxious PHd student.

My Goal for the future:  Never get sick.

Twisted

Imagine laughing and laughing till your head is spinning out of control and you literally feel like all your intelligence is floating out of your brain.  The image of information on Systems Architecture, Derivatives, Shakespeare, Poe, Politics, everything everything shooting out of your brain, falling onto the wooden floor, and slipping into its cracks, lost to you forever.  Imagine just laughing, as if it is all just a hilarious joke. Laughing and then scared, scared that you'll never regain your senses and will forever be the laughing girl who lost her mind.

That's what it feels like when you go on a bad 'trip'. - Scary Foreign, and yet - utterly interesting, intriguing, and comical.

I think this is a much better description than the fried egg PSA - no?

one line from a larger story

"but..", she whispered softly, "i can't just be with one...i have to be in love."

"how long will that take?" they wondered openly.  

how long indeed.

Button Soup

my last post was for something i submitted to the six sentences blog, to be honest I don't know how happy I am with it but I figure writing something is better than writing nothing at all, because it will help me improve.

Today I found a button in my tomato soup.  Actually, I found it as it swished around in my mouth which is what I find most disgusting.  That was six hours ago and since then I have had water and chocolate to try to get the idea out of my mind.  I am still disgusted.  

I don't know what's more disgusting - the random button in my soup, or the fact that I will probably still order that soup from that restaurant again.

Perhaps I should learn to make my own soup.

open wide

Sitting on the reclining cold seat, with only a thin sheet of paper-like material between my nether regions and the cold clamy leather, I quietly waited for her to come in and my examination to begin.  I imagined the hackneyed sexual history questions, followed by the raised eyebrows and intrigued looks. I winced at the idea of the duck lipped cold metal spreading me wide and leaving me bare for gloved hands to reach in and explore, as if i were a cave instead of a woman with a pitifully low threshold for pain.  I winced and yelped as she poked and prodded and at one point she sighed with irritation and said, "is this seriously hurting THAT much?!" As she leaned back in between my legs and poked a little too hard for my body's taste, my knee inadvertently jerked and hit her smack in the face.  She screamed in pain and surprise and I couldn't help but smirk and think, 'Did it seriously hurt THAT much?'

epiphanies galore

so - one of my closest friends is leaving new york and although i'm sad to see her go, i'm also really inspired.

i remember a few years ago i was talking to my mom and i said 'i just want everything to be the way it is right now - i don't want to leave school, i don't want my friends to go to different places, no, no and no.'

my mom told me (in a parental way, so mind you i'm not quoting directly here) that i needed to realize that things change, people move where the wind takes them, and everyone's going to do what they need to do, not what I want them to do - so I should do the same.

I definitely agreed and still agree with those words - and I think i've been good at doing what I need to do thus far.

Anyways, getting back to my friend who's leaving - I'm so inspired.

I'm inspired to do what I want to do, and what I need to do to grow as a person. I feel like I've been stagnant for a while and it's time for some movement!

Just because West Coast b-schools rejected my hopeful application doesn't mean I'm not west-coast bound - and so I am planning to pursue my west coast dreams. Maybe I won't get there in 6 months or a year..and maybe once I have it in hand I won't want it anymore - but damnit I'm allowed to pursue it.

Also, my company offers international 6 month - 1 year positions - and I'm applying to this as well. Maybe I won't get it - maybe I will. but it's time for a change and I'm working towards making that happen.

I'm also going to finally write the pitch I've been meaning to write all month - and send out my work to various places. I want to see my work in print! Not pixel computer screen "print", but real actual physical page-flipping print!

in conclusion - my epiphany is to be happy and do what i want.

26 here i am.

you were it

people probably wonder what i'm doing with my life - why i'm wasting time with men i know won't last a fortnight - maybe it's cuz i want a hand to hold - and the hand i want is yours but you're gone so i'm trying to find temporary replacement hand holders.

you were it - and you broke me - and it scares me to say it...but i think i waste time with others who i know are useless b/c i don't really want to be with anyone else for real.

i'll always miss you. thanks for ruining me.

therapist needed.

settling or wasting time?

I'm so afraid of 'settling' that I don't even give people who are worthwhile a chance b/c the constant gnawing idea of 'settling' for something I don't know if I truly feel keeps surfacing in my mind and heart.

Not only am I afraid of settling, but I am also afraid of settling down.

I'm so afraid of settling down, that I waste time with people I know I can't settle down with b/c they don't meet the few key uncompromising criteria I have had ingrained in me since youth.

I sometimes wonder if I specifically choose these people for the sheer reason that I know I can't end up with them.

I'm slowly beginning to think that I am a masochist.

Some higher power, please tell me what to do.

on eating

since forever, i've been a die-hard foodie - i loved food, i loved trying new restaurants, and of course moving to New York gave me plenty of places to try.

Now, I've been eating healthy and at home for the past 3 weeks - and am currently on a 'detox 7-day cabbage soup diet plan'...

food is no fun anymore - my passion (and my once quite-savvy palate) is obliterated by the taste of bland cabbage soup, kale+parsley smoothies, and carrot sticks.

i try not to think about food at all, just eat as if it were a motion unworthy of taking the time to notice (like breathing or blinking)

i wonder what will happen post-diet...will i regain my palate and excitement for different flavor combinations?

well...as long as i don't regain the pounds i lost, I'll be happy.

east harlem - don't judge till you go

 i visited east harlem this afternoon - and i must say, in the broad daylight and on the eve of the Puerto Rican Day Parade, it is quite fun!

They have:

coconut flavored shaved ice

fire hydrants spewing out cold water to play in

and mangoes on a stick!

as you walk with your shaved ice, after running in water, Puerto Rican reggae plays on every street corner and groups of women are seen making and selling homemade empanadas and other authentic PR cuisine.

tasty food, a cultural experience, and open fire hydrants - what's not to like?

oh those feelings

sometimes i miss you so much it hurts...like a real physical "oh my God my stomach hurts, my throat is closing up, i need to lie down" kind of hurt.

Then I realize, I just got my period and the stomach ache was cramps, the throat closing is me holding back yet another tiresome tide of tears, and the thoughts in my head were due to PMS and crazed hormones.

still though, i miss you so much it hurts...only sometimes though.

If I ever get the chance to love like that again, I promise I won't take it so lightly - I don't care what race or religion he might be - love is love and everyone else will just have to deal.

please let me have another chance like that.

thanks God.

Love, 

J

L.A. - is it lust or love?

Los Angeles, the City of Angels and easy access to the best brownie ingredient ever.  

I love L.A.  - and I know, that as a 3-year old New Yorker, I should not be allowed to utter such an exclamation. With it's easy going, no cloud-in-the-sky beach vibe and Hollywood Glamour core, I can't help but wonder...is my interest in L.A. just a passing affair?  Is it the air or the way the warm sand sinks in between the crevices of my toes that makes me daydream about my very own Santa Monica beach-side apartment?  Maybe it's the fact that L.A. means never having to say 'I'm freezing!' or 'Why is the snow black?'

But aren't these all just superficial reasons for my adoration of this West Coast city?  L.A. is beautiful on the surface, yes - but where is the heart of the city?  Where are the street fairs, those NY-only events which causes an entire avenue to be blocked off for a vendor-happy day filled with cheap sunglass knock-offs, gyros, and plantains?  Where's the hole-in-the-wall falafel joint or the bright lights and gorgeous skyline that still, 3 years later, makes me grin like the tourist I still am at heart? Where are the screaming crazies  on the subways?  Hell, where are the subways?  Where are the pedestrians?  If you walk in L.A., it is you who is considered a 'crazy'.

And yet, I have a lust for the city - an indescribable desire to simply pack up my $1800/month studio apt and move cross-country to live a life of water sports, celebrity sightings, and 12 months/year of golden tanned skin.

To live in a place where I know absolutely no one - a frightening feat, and yet a turn-on all the same.

L.A. is like that random sexy guy you meet who you want things to work out with, except your convos scream 'awkward pauses'... it's exciting and thrilling and you want to jump into it b/c it makes you hot - but you're still left wondering - - where's the substance?  where's the soul?

Still though, there's something to be said for exciting, hot, and thrilling - even though it may not last forever...

I'd love to plunge head (and heart) first into the L.A. culture - to get the taste of living there, to embrace the vibe, and honestly...to run away from my present...if only just for a little while.

New York will always be my First True Love - but let's be serious, how many people actually end up with their First True Love's?

the gym

there was a time when i lived for it, the hum of the treadmills, the camaraderie of the lifters, everyone there looking to get in better shape, to maintain, to expose those abs hidden under a layer or 2 of skin.

and now...i honestly am not that into it.  the tiresome treadmill, mundane weights, blah blah blah.

i spend thousands of dollars on celebrity personal trainers to entertain me and keep me interested.

i wish i could eat and eat and eat and stay stick stick thin.

woe to my mediocre metabolism.

but you're my asshole

"i'm an asshole."

"but you're my asshole."

she smiles sheepishly as he states the obvious and finally he's in.

i'm an asshole - but don't come in.  i'm not ready to feel the warmth just yet.

cigarettes and garlic powder

I woke up today with the taste of last night's garlic powdered covered pizza in my mouth.  Curling up under the covers, not wanting to start the day, the smell of his cigarette lingered on me as well.  As I got up, desperate to rub this taste and these memories off of me, I glanced at my smudged mascara and flushed cheeks.  In the haze of my hung-over state, I had to smile. An interesting night with a random hot kiss, ending with a pizza and friends - all too reminiscent of my college days.

The only differences?  This isn't college and I have a boy who loves me waiting at home.

Never would have thought I would be 'that girl'.

Thanks to the ex-es for making me the commitment-phobe that I am.

And it begins..

After shunning blogs for old-age composition books, loose leaf, and even the tacky blinding bright yellow lined paper of the legal pad, I have finally decided to succumb to writing my thoughts via the web.

20-Something Ramblings will be about a mid-20s girl living on the island of Manhattan, eating at the great restaurants it consists of, dancing at the hottest nightspots, and looking for that one thing New York seems to truly lack...good decent relationship-worthy guys...all while keeping her uninteresting job so that she can pay her over the top rent and suffering through constant conversations with her over the top family which all begin with some form of the phrase, 'Why aren't you married yet..'

Stay tuned for my next post where I'll discuss...well, where I'll discuss whatever it is I want to discuss!