is this love?

i love you so much i don't like your ex because i can't comprehend how much that relationship not working must have hurt you and the idea of you feeling hurt, even at a point in your life that has nothing to do with me, is worse than knowing that if it had worked out back then we never would have met and fallen in blissful, peaceful love.

..and now, 30.5 years of life later, i'm learning what love really is.

its beautiful. its selfless. its fundamental.

title change

no longer a 20-something.  weird and yet ok.  question of the day: do i change my blog title?

was going for low-carb all day but my resolve weekend in the end and i over-indulged in chocolate covered ginger.  sigh.  when will i learn how to have will-power?

anyways - it doesn't matter b/c tomorrow is a new day and i'm going with a plan:

morning:  strength training + cardio
breakfast: nonfat plain yogurt + 5 almonds (815 pm)
lunch: 4 egg whites + spinach + tomatoes (1 pm)
snack: string cheese + 6 almonds (4 pm)
dinner: lentil soup with spinach + tomatoes
snack: nf yogurt

i think my lunch-snack may be slightly light -- so maybe i'll pack some yogurt with me just in case.

wednesday will be as follows:

morning: strength training + cardio
bfast: yogurt + almonds
lunch: lentil soup
snack: string cheese + almonds
dinner: salad with ground turkey (yes i'm bringing meat back...it's the only thing that made me lean so even though i don't feel good eating it..nothing feels as good as feeling skinny and nothing brings me back to my fighting weight like eating animal protein (unfortunately)

let's see how this week goes.

next week: my jump back in to bikram yoga after at least a year without it.

week 1 - no chocolate

i've decided that luna bars don't count as chocolate...i know they do..but i've decided, since i forgot i was doing this challenge and had a chocolate chunk luna bar this afternoon, that they don't.

next week will be the 'i'll sleep when i'm old' challenge. wish me luck.

do what you say

in mid January of last year I wrote a list of 'challenges to accomplish' in my blog - and i have really not accomplished many of these.

here they are:

1 - do bikram yoga for 1 week straight.
2 - do boxing for 1 week straight
3 - eat no chocolate for 1 week straight
4 - refrain from discussing hackneyed subject matter for 2 weeks straight (COMPLETE)
5 - take no cabs for 2 weeks straight (i had put 3 wks here, but let's be practical) (COMPLETE)
6 - make my own meals for 1 week straight (no eating out/take out)

ok - so 4 and 5 have been completed but the tough ones are still on there:

1 - do bikram yoga for 1 week straight.
2 - do boxing for 1 week straight
3 - eat no chocolate for 1 week straight
6 - make my own meals for 1 week straight (no eating out/take out)

To this - I would like to add: lose 5-7 lbs by late March. (which may just happen b/c of these goals - hah!)

My first endeavor will be chocolate - and actually I will not touch chocolate for all of March! :-o Which is hilarious - b/c i literally just downed 1/2 a box of dark chocolate covered blueberries.

Let's see if I can do it. It will be extremely difficult as I eat it ever day.

In fact. I would say I spend $5 a day on something of the chocolate variety (during the work week) - so that is $25. I will *4 and that $100 I will use to buy chocolate (or perhaps something more nutritious) for a homeless shelter. yes. done and done.!

I will start Monday, Feb 27th - and go until March 27th!

i dated an alien

it's weird when i see you now in photos in our social-media centric world. i look at you and it's like i dated someone from another galaxy. it's like i dated you - and i don't even remember doing it. i don't remember the laughter, the heart fluttering with emotion; and i don't recall the enormous consistent mass of tears post-breakup (and, lets be honest, during the relationship). i really don't remember feeling much at all!

i just saw a picture of you and i said aloud to no one in particular, "it's like i dated an alien! ahah"

this is funny for many reasons, but most pointedly because the last words i ever said to you were 'we are clearly on 2 different planets'.

isn't it strange? time and new experiences heal all crazy alien-induced wounds. perhaps time is cryptonite (and now you all know that i love a good analogy)

yet still i find it so strange, that such a strong bond of intimacy - can end so abruptly and after a while, it all just fades away. so maybe it is just all attachment - i'm attached so i miss you - but then i forget you because you're out of my day-to-day and so my attachment declines - and as you leave my day-to-day i think of you in a different, more negative, light - and so my attachment turns almost to disdain for a while, and then it finally levels out into this weird, humorous bout of apathy.

and the funny thing is - you probably feel the exact same way...and you probably felt it much sooner than I did. and i'm completely ok with that, finally!

so good luck and good bye - my former flame from a "galaxy far far away"

(that's a star wars reference for those who don't know)

it's silly...

but i can imagine us living on a farm...or in brooklyn - me wearing long skirts and juicing away while working from home loving you and your hippie ways.

it's silly really - but i daydream about this happening- us living our laid-back hippie life happily and naively smiling and loving - thankful for every day.

i'm crazy to daydream like this - but i suppose even 29 year-old me is allowed some silly day dreams...

i know i might dig you because i would move away from the urban delight that is new york city. away from the police sirens and trash trucks that wake me every night, away from the high-stress fast-paced environment of it all - away away to a farm, to a village, to a place with grass and leaves and zero Michelin star-rated restaurants.

ah what a silly silly daydream it is.

a prayer of thankfulness

Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You!

Love,

Me

a short prayer

please. please.please. please.

love always,

me.

hello

hello team

i may begin a health focused blog at some point highlighting different diet experiments i've tried on my body - this will include:

1 - juice fasting
2 - staying away from refined carbs, sugar
3 - high protein/low carb
4 - high carb/low fat
5 - 30 day bikram yoga challenge
6 - raw food for a week (or more)

there may be more - i may just start trying all diets i can - i'll be 29 soon - so i'll have a year to mess around with my body until i turn 30 and my metabolism is completely and utterly ruined.

the majority of this blog has been about my trials and tribulations in regards to men, love and food.

i will now do a quick synopsis on all 3 of these topics now:

1 - Men: I have a strong dislike for the way I've been treated by the one I've spoken about most recently in my blog - however, I've realized that dislike spews negative energy only in myself - and i've seen this negative energy come out in a variety of ways over this year that I simply don't appreciate. My walls are up these days and my confusion is high - but I'm going to chill and let things go and feel with my heart AND mind so that hopefully I will make a better choice next time. Will said male and I ever speak again? Unlikely. Some people are in your life for a short time so you can discover something about yourself and then its time for them to go and really its all for best.

2 - Love: Love is Love. It's great - but have my ideas of love and its whimsical nature change? You bet. Love is attachment - I actually have always understood this - but attachment is love, isn't it? That's how I feel. These days - I take care in what to attach myself to. That said, I've realized you can really "love"/become attached to anyone if you let yourself - physical lust is there, but it also has the ability to grow over time if someone is kind, funny and (preferably) has a sweet tooth.

Which leads me to my 3rd lesson learned:

3 - Food - I still love food. I love the way it tastes on my tongue and the way it goes down to an empty stomach that is slowly satiated. I love the way it is so social. Going on a diet or a cleanse, you notice how social the activity of dining with someone is. Food is love. Love is Food. And perhaps, both are attachments. An unhealthy attachment to food will lead to an unhealthy lifestyle and unhealthy choices. These days - my cravings for sugar have died down - they are still there, don't get me wrong - but it is much less. I don't shake in need for a cream cheese frosted cupcake or a fresh from the oven cookie. I enjoy it - but I don't binge (as much). I still love food - but it's more of a balanced love and less of a clingy desperate attachment.

Thus, perhaps what I've learned is that everything needs balance - the men you seek should be balanced, the love you have should be balanced - both people giving and loving fairly, and then of course the food, the delicious lovely food should be balanced with sweet, salty, heavy light all combined perfectly.

thank you and good night!

end of cleanse

my cleanse is over - i am full from my juices today - almost over-full in fact.

i am also craving home-made turkey kabobs - which i'll blame on my lack of b-12.

while this has been a great journey, which i will continue as i slowly begin eating real food throughout the week - i've realized that the main culprit in my life is sugar. Most days I crave sugar every few hours - but these past 3 days - nothing. I have never lasted on a 100% raw diet for more than a day maximum. 3 days of fully raw fare was very interesting..although today I must say I feel a bit too full/a little nauseous.

I have recently viewed a lecture by Gary Taubes, author of "Good Calories. Bad Calories." - in it he refutes the long standing belief that calorie counting, exercise and the concept of 'calories in, calories out' are keys to weight loss.

He has a few very interesting points - and it all boils down to the concept that sugars and carbohydrates (specifically refined carbs) - create an overload of insulin in the body. This insulin then gets stored in fat cells...which ultimately is why we get fat...and particularly why we get fat in some areas and not in others.

It was really very interesting - and very medically driven - not a typical diet video and I've heard the book is the same - it is very medically driven and somewhat like a medical journal.

So - my plan for myself - is to stay off refined products, remove processed sugar from my diet and actually begin to include lean meats into my daily/weekly diet. I have been a pseudo vegetarian since 2005 - and really, it has not been a healthy choice.

I know some will argue that vegetarianism is the healthiest diet if you do it right and know what you're doing - and perhaps I agree. That said, I was my most tone and most healthiest when on a lean meats, good carbs/low carb lifestyle.

I will of course only eat turkey or chicken that has been grass-fed, and ideally made in the comfort of my own home. I will not eat anyone else's meat made in their home or in a restaurant - and I will still stick to mainly fish outside of the house. For all intensive purposes, I have become a closeted meat-eater. (and that is definitely what she said)

Anyways - this is where I am right now. Thanks.

Blue Print Cleanse

Yesterday I embarked upon a new adventure in health, fitness and experimentation.

I received my first 3-day set of juices via the Blue Print Cleanse! I've been wanting to try this cleanse for a while but never did primarily because of the cost. Although the cost is still high, I threw caution (and my credit card) to the wind and decided it was now or later and I choose now.

Anyways - being that I am generally a fairly healthy eater, I chose the Renovation cleanse. There's 3 types you can try - one is for beginners, Renovation is for middle-people, perhaps those who like to binge on brownies one day and then ingest salads and go to bikram yoga the next few days, and the 3rd is Excavation - this is for the hard-core health nuts that can stomach 4 16 oz bottles of green juice a day. While Excavation seemed like a great challenge, I decided to be careful and go with Renovation.

I am on day 2 and half way done my juices of the day. It is actually quite a difficult mental and physical challenge! While I pride myself on being healthy, the past few months I have been on a vacation from my regular normal diet. These days, I am used to waking up and eating - fruit, granola, cereal, pancakes, eggs - one of these items enters my mouth by noon. By 2, I'm munching on chocolate, crackers or string cheese - and by 4 I'm eating another meal. A few more chocolate snacks enter my mouth before dinner - where I will have a full meal followed by dessert. Thus - you can see my desire for a detox that would rid me of my cravings and help me get back on a healthy track.

Anyways - the mental challenge is certainly the lack of meals. That said, I haven't had too many crazy cravings because the juices really fill you up. To be honest, the green juice (romaine, kale, celery, apple, lemon, etc) - tastes good but I'm usually queasy by my 2nd one. I've been skipping the 3rd green juice entirely b/c my stomach just can't handle it.

The spicy lemonade and Pineapple/Apple/Mint juices are light and refreshing and a good break from the heavier green juice. Finally, there's the cashew milk which is really great and if you have a good imagination, you can drink it with a spoon, pretending its ice cream or something else decadent.

One of the negatives I have with this diet is that every juice is SUPER SWEET. My sweet tooth is gone - perhaps that's a good thing. I'm craving salt which is surprising b/c I rarely do.

This morning, after 1 full day of juicing, I have lost approximately 2 lbs. I know this is just water weight but its still very substantial seeing as I have a fairly small frame.

i also did a light 10 min job + 40 min of vinyasa yoga today.

right now - the time is 5:47 and i feel a little sick to my stomach - i've drank 1/2 of my 3 out of 6 juices and i'm really waiting for my evening cashew milk.

my goal with this is to end my cleanse tomorrow and then start eating a primarily raw diet post-cleanse. i've realized that my mind, body and mental health is best when i am eating less refined carbs and junk. I am happier, more alive and less tense.

let's see. i will keep my progress posted via this blog.

i want the meal not the appetizer

i want the meal not the appetizer.

a fellow blogger and friend made this comment in regards to my quote regarding patience.

its funny b/c i am not only impatient regarding life events, but i have limited patience at restaurants at well. Erego, I scarf down my appetizer and then get agitated if my main course does not come in time.

Not always - but sometimes. I've had a lot of appetizers in my earlier 20s...and now all I want is that amazing main course. Or perhaps - what i'm really waiting for is dessert - the perfect end to a long irritating meal.

i don't know what i'm talking about - i'm not even hungry right now.

random shorts

some shorts i wrote a while ago to get my brain moving when i was trying to write i think. i like to do this exercise of writing whatever is in your head quickly because it often helps open up writer's block. lame thoughts but I want to keep it somewhere so here it is. actually not really lame as much as hackneyed, i suppose.

I want love. A real love. A love like lovers dream of in the night sky looking at the moon. A love, a lover’s loving longing love. I have longed! I am longing. I am longing for my love love love. The one I’ll walk with, swoon for, eat with, laugh with – the one I’ll fight with and love through it all. I’m looking for a love. A love love love love – unconditional, ever-sweet, amorously affectionate lovely luscious love. Love.

Patience they tell me. They say it in my dreams – in my thoughts. My ever beating passionate emotional heart screams with angst, wants for passion, wants for love and happiness and the bursting feeling of joy that comes only through that perfect match with a perfect for you mate. Patience. Patience. Patience. It is so hard – so hard to be patient for so long. So hard to almost get your wish, but then for it to disappear – to disappear so quickly and so completely that you sometimes wonder, “was it all just a dream?”

an op-ed on a fellow blogger

now that school is over, i find myself with nothing to do for a bit.

erego - a blog post.

my blog friend (and real friend) http://bikinimartini.blogspot.com/ has some interesting posts she's writing right now and it's interesting because our belief's and posts are like night and day - yet she's still one of my closest friends.

bikini believes that sex without a relationship is the way we are supposed to be. Humans are animals after all - and evolutionary I suppose that does make sense.

I think anyone who has ever read any of my posts knows I don't believe that this is all there is to it.

Bikini's latest post is very interesting - in it she describes an experiment where she will act like a typical late 20s relationship-hungry female. She estimates that acting this way will result in males losing interest in a faster amount of time than if she just acted like her self - a non-relationship hungry female.

I must say that for the most part I agree. Most males are intrigued by the female who doesn't want a relationship and just wants sex with no strings. However - I do think, that there are those out there that actually do want a long-term partner to grow with, have babies with, etc. etc. Contrary to popular belief, these relationship-craving men do exist! They exist and the older we get, the more there are!

So I'm excited to see how bikini will fare - and I secretly/not-so-secretly hope she meets a guy who surprises her, challenges her beliefs and makes her fall truly madly and deeply in love.

or as she likes to call it, attachment.

random thought

my last relationship made me lose faith in my abilities and my intellect. that loss of faith is still kind of there except i notice it more and stop myself. isn't it weird how one relationship can you change your esteem so drastically? i don't even blame the person i was with, i blame myself! for being so easily molded. it's embarrassing and its also a life lesson. since then, i sometimes find myself talking to ppl with the expectation that they won't take me seriously. i even find myself laughing at myself just to laugh b/c i'm so used to being taken unseriously. that's a serious issue.

but i've been working on it - gaining back my confidence slowly and effectively - and thanking God every step of the way - not only for ending that experience, but for allowing me to have it to learn from.

some great advice

i read this on twitter today and found it to be such great advice that I had to retweet, post on facebook, post on my g-chat and now post on my blog! ready?

"Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?""

I thought I had lost my one chance at love, marriage and happiness a few months ago when the guy I thought I was going to marry decided he wasn't ready to commit.

I really sincerely thought that - and although it still hurts even now when I think about the attachment and the closeness that is simply nonexistant now, I read this quote and have to smile.

Because in 5 years it really won't matter. It will be something I laugh about with my friends, with a new truer better love, and hopefully/maybe even smile about as I kiss my kids good night. It won't matter -but it will have helped me get to where I want/need and was supposed to get to.

So do I regret the heartache, the post after post depicting my pain, the long talks with friends agonizing and obsessing over this male? No. I don't. Because I needed it - I needed to have this experience to learn more about myself so that 5 years from now I can read this blog post and laugh at how silly it all seems, as I go to pick up my child from daycare and then come home to my wonderful husband that I never would have met had it not been for what I learned from this relationship that 5 years before seemed all-consuming.

so thank you. for the lessons, the pain, the fun and the love. I needed it, I need it - all to help me move along on the path towards the right one!

dr. livingstone, i presume

today i am blogging from livingston, zambia - a country in east africa bordering zimbabwe. Zambia is best known for the Victorian Falls - which are the largest water falls in the country and one of the 7 natural wonders on Earth. I visited the falls today and even hiked around in the forest where the falls are. Walking around you need a raincoat b/c the falls are huge and the mist and water will completely soak you.

While going down (and then later, up) some rocks - I realized how risk-averse I am. Every step I took was cautious and fearful of falling, slipping or running into an animal or gigantic bug.

I can't change who I am - but I can attempt to try some things that are out of my comfort zone, and so perhaps coming to Africa is one of these events.

The trip is lovely so far - and as always, my blog will go back to my 1st love - food. Africa has food that is primarily influenced by England, along with a bit of Indian cuisine as well..which makes sense since the English had control over India for a while. Today I tried Zambian cuisine - which tasted like Ethiopian food - various portions of stewed vegetables along with a sort of solid cornmeal type thing that looked more like cream of wheat and reminded me of injera bread.

The meal was good - and I always appreciate trying local cuisine.

Tomorrow - I go for a day long safari. I'll be honest - seeing a ton of animals doesn't excite me as much as it does my travel-mates...however I think if you come to Africa and don't at least try to see a lion, then its somewhat of a wasted trip.

And on that note, I am off to search for dessert..something I haven't found yet and that I am certainly currently craving!

ciao ciao

dull ache

i have this dull ache in my heart that isn't going away.

its there - in the back - constantly aching. it's better than it was. i can get through the day without crying now. I can get up and do things without constantly coveting a year ago. I can be practical and understand that this is for the absolute 100% best.

but nevertheless, there is a dull ache inside of my heart - its dull, barely audible now, just slowly gnawing away at my over-emotional entity, wishing someone would hear it and make it go away with bouts of affection and kept promises.

but no. the dull ache continues, slowly and carefully plucking away at the sutured strings of my broken broken heart.

descriptive tmi.

-if i drink alcohol when i'm on my period, i have cramps that feel as if someone cut me open and poured alcohol on my uterus.
-when i have cramps these days, i lie down and put my computer/warm battery charger on my stomach to ease the pain
-i cry
-i curse
-i eat nothing all day and then indulge in chocolate at night
-i become irresponsible
-tired
-nauseaus/dizzy
-a bit depressed
-have the need to clean and organize every thing in sight (pre .)
-all this for a . !?

lame.