oh i do i do i do like you just the same

we have nothing in common

nothing at all

but i'm not thinking about this while i sit on your lap

swinging my feet that don't reach the ground as you teach me accounting

i feel small and secure

enveloped against you on a chair staring at a spreadsheet

you are so mature, i sometimes find you to be too old for me

but you kiss me so sweetly

between explanations of allocations

we have nothing in common

nothing at all

and yet, i like you just the same

religious scripture

all the scriptures say to treat the world like a forest and remain detached at heart.

is it interesting that when i hear said scriptures, spoken in a language i don't fluently understand, it has always made me cry? its as if the part of me that evokes tears can translate, analyze and feel some sort of way about words that my mind is not familiar with.

then i read the translation and it makes sense why i'm crying - because I have never been able to be detached; because I never want to be! Which is the constant battle - how can I follow a line in my religious text that I just cannot grasp or understand? I am obviously missing something, but even when its explained to me by someone more in touch with their religious roots, it makes no sense. I want to feel and be attached, regardless of any pain it may or may not cause. Because oh! when it doesn't cause pain...oh! it is pure pure, amazing awesome joy. So the pain, is worth it for the joy. But then, why do these learned pious teachers state over and over again to remain detached? I don't understand...and I'm scared to understand..which is why I think I cry - because I never want to be detached. What's life without attachments? Calmer? possibly. Lonelier? I think, most definitely.

Obviously, I am not close enough yet to religious enlightenment to understand this concept. Thus, I will keep on hurting and loving and repeating the cycle over and over till it eventually comes to an organic end and something beautiful blooms.

confidence? what confidence?

since when did i lose all confidence in my entire self?

when did that happen, because I sure didn't sign up for it?

meaning

does it freak people out when you tell them how much they mean to you?

sometimes i think it might.

verdicts still out on this one.

and so..my mouth will stay closed for now.

great good friend

i still miss you, my friend

as i read my economics book, i remember how you taught me - patiently - and how you knew immediately when i didn't understand something - how you smiled, and tried to teach me again, and again and again  - until something finally clicked and i got it.

i miss your familiarity and your intuition into my feelings, into my soul.

i miss you, my friend.  

you were a good friend - a great friend.

great friends, however, rarely make good boyfriends - and this is something i wish i had known so that maybe, just maybe, i could have kept my great good friend. - instead of wasting years of friendship on a short-term strange type of intimacy that dissolved into a hot pool of anger and bitterness, eventually evaporating all that we had before.

dc

d.c. is not new york.

analyze that statement as you wish.

all i have to say is - d.c. is not new york.

and i do miss my city so.

frat boys and rooftop kisses

today i got a random text message from a guy i made out with on a sloping roof of a beer pong party, in a goalie net of a soccer field, in an elevator, and once while he was handcuffed to a bed.

it was a simple cordial text - 7 years after our rendezvous.  from time to time, we speak and catch up and it is generally a platonic conversation mixed with random reminiscing.

i've kept in touch with 2.5 out of the x males I spent time with during my undergraduate years.

the others were unable to sustain a friendship - perhaps it was both-sided.

irregardless, i like these random calls and text messages i get from these random males of my younger, more naive  days.  Reminiscing about these past random free-flying experiences makes me happy, and staying in touch with random people from my past is always nice.

smiles

school makes me happy.

reading for school and planning and prepping and getting overwhelmed with a bunch of other people in the same boat as me, makes me happy!

school plus wine plus reading when hazy with wine overdose makes me smile.

making new friends makes me excited.

new friends. new city. new awesome education. 

alcohol.

poor happy grad student with a future bar tab that exceeds my budget = me :-D

$1 pizza for these economic times

at 4 am - the sky was turning a light pink and i was just getting home.  i've always seen mamani, since i live 4 buildings away from it, but my food snobbery always rejected it for the $4 cheese slices on 12th street.  

This particular Saturday morning, my annebriation was at its height and my wallet was at a low, so i opted for the $1 slice.  

The pizza was warm, and very crunchy...kind of like an elios pizza...in fact, that's pretty much what it reminded me of..except thinner, but for $1 - you get what you pay for and at 4 am, it does the job.  Mamani's pizza is actually kind of a better option than the more filling, more oily slices you'll find elsewhere b/c this slice was thinner, crispier and had less cheese - thus resulting in lower calories.

maybe you're not thinking about calories at 4 am - but the next morning, it'll be a welcome surprise.

4 stars, not necessarily for the greatness of the flavor, but moreso for the price, the caloric deficit and the proximity to my apt.

nothing beats a hot slice of pizza after dancing the night away...and when its $1 and light on the stomach, well...that just makes things even better.

1 pm decadence

pancake batter mixed with fresh blueberries

griddled to perfection

topped with fresh home-made tart strawberry butter

and warm sweet maple syrup

a forkful is created with just the right amount of pancake, butter and syrup.  

pink strawberry butter slowly melting on my griddled cake piece, the mouth is full of wild anticipation.

5 flavors combined to create a perfect taste for the sweet-tooth lover's palate.

it is 1 pm on a Friday - and I received this via delivery from a locale 4 blocks from my vicinity.

I love New York.

i want something more

i want a controversial relationship.

i just do.

that is what i want.

controversy in the air as i walk in, and whispers and raised eyebrows from people who don't know better.

i want an air of controversy surrounding the bubble of a safety net i've made for me, my heart, and my forever love.

i can't explain it but it is what i want.

stunned to tears

it's not that i miss you

or want you back

that's not why i cry from time to time

i cry because i'm stunned

i'm stunned at the cruelty 

from someone who said he loved me

i'm stunned to tears

even now 

after four years

i'm just stunned that someone could do this to me -  the feeling forms in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous and sweaty, reaches to my throat, and usually i can hold it there, but sometimes it spontaneously erupts and out flow a stream of stunned tears.

after you, i cry easily.  

i want just 1 more chance to see you so I can express all of this vocally, but i think if i saw you i would use fruitless words like 'asshole' 'jerk' 'douchebag' - and those don't express anything except anger, which is just a tablespoon of the emotions that have ensued.

perhaps i'll simply email you a 1-liner:  "20somethingprose.blogspot.com"

then you'd see for yourself, how awful you've made me feel.

poetry of a massochist

another night, another dream; 

another morning full of screams. 

Get out of my head, get out of my heart

i've been trying so hard to make a new start.  

get out, leave my head, leave my bed, leave my heart  

let me live, let me breathe, that is all that i need.

i'm entirely ready to plant a new seed.

vacant fridge and personal finance

in the span of a week - 4 distinct people have commented on the interior of my fridge, or lack thereof.  I have not eaten out much lately, in an effort to save my funds..and I am not starving, so I don't understand why I do not find the need to purchase food. 

I am backtracking a week to see what I ate, where, and how - to make sure I am not missing something in my efforts to save $, and eat fairly healthy.

Monday - May 25th: 

Parents house - $0

Health Factor - Good

Tuesday - May 26th:

Parents house  - $0

Health Factor - Average

Wednesday - May 27th:

Fruit, Miso Soup, Sesame Pannacotta (shot size) - $0

pinkberry-style frozen yogurt with strawberries + mochi - approx $5

pirate's booty white cheddar popcorn - whole bag - $4 approx (520 calories approx....)

2 cookies + green tea - $4

Health Factor - ridiculous!

Thursday - May 28th:

Fruit, 1 veggie maki roll, maybe more pannacotta (shot size)- $0

Salad with baked falafel and hummus - $8

Health Factor - Average

Friday - May 29th:

Fruit, 4-5 shrimp dumplings, 1/2 cup fat free vanilla frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles - $0

1 piece of bread, grilled asparagus, parsnip filled gnocchi with pesto made from beets, a sliver of almond pannacotta, 1/3 of a cannoli, 1/3 of an apple crisp with a bit of vanilla ice cream - $33 

Health Factor - Average

Saturday - May 30th

Bowl of Mangoes - $2.50 ish

4 slices of friend-made banana bread with chocolate chips throughout the day

mojitos - $20

Health Factor - Ridiculous

Sunday - May 31st

Brunch of Hummus, Babagounous, rice, tabouli, pita  - $0

Mac n' Cheese (small size) - less than $6

2 bite sized lindt chocolates - less than $1 i think 

Health Factor - Bad

Monday - June 1st

Miso Soup, Salmon Cucumber Maki Roll, Green tea - $0

Lentil Soup with roasted corn + 1 cup fat free yogurt- $0 (made at home! woo)

Health Factor - Average

money spent on eating out:  $80 

money spent on groceries: $0!

times i used my kitchen to make a meal: 1

how i used to spend: $10 dollars for lunch, $15 for dinner - $25 a day * 5 - 125

a $45 savings during my recent ''take notice of my monies' phase of life.

Health factors: 1 good, 4 averages, 3 bad (2 being ridiculously bad)

now, to go back to my vacant fridge.  If I were to buy groceries - I would buy approx $20-30 dollars of groceries.  Essentially saving maybe another $20, which isn't much.  Although, perhaps saving calories, as I would not be as inclined to eat cookies for dinner.  

In conclusion, will I start grocery shopping? Probably.  Will I eat in more?  I will attempt. Will I drink my dinners in the form of calorie-laden mojitos?  Well, my dears, that's one vice I simply refuse to let go.

In regards to health, I don't believe I am eating enough.  Though, to be fair, my lunches + breakfasts are generally 600-800 calories total of light japanese fair.  My dinners are decidedly lame. and the fat content is high, and protein is incredibly low throughout the day.

that being said, i don't think i eat out that much - and when i do its decidedly health or portion conscious (generally) -- This week I will aim for only 2 days of outside eating.  It helps that I'll be at Parents Home, where everything is $0, for 3 of the 7 day week. 

i have my doubts anyone has read thru my entire tirade. which is fine b/c frankly, this post was more for me than for my readers.

crazy girl

i'm a crazy girl with naturally wildly wavy hair who looks like she'd be fairly normal.

kiss me.

kiss me and you'll feel my crazy.

the on the surface straightened tied up hair and polished poise quickly fade and out comes the bohemian with electric kisses.

sundays

my sunday ritual  = the sunday times style section  (i.e. - the sunday times wedding section), modern love, postsecret, and catching up on blogs.

it's calming and something to look forward to - - 

there you have it.  some info shared from me to you

you're not allowed

now i dream not just of you

but of you + her

you+ her, entering my subconscious 

this is unacceptable

there should be a 'do not enter' sign in my subconscious REM state where certain images and people are just not allowed to enter.

in other news,

the other day i saw an ex sitting at a table in a restaurant that i happened to walk by.  we both looked up at the same moment and shared a glance; me from outside and him from in, which is pretty accurate since our entire relationship was me trying to get in.  But this time, I saw him and he saw me, and instead of going in for the cordial 'hello nice to see you after so long' waste of time conversation - I sprinted away.  Literally. Sprinted. Feeling free with no regrets - I may have even skipped a little.  Knowing you meant nothing to me now, even though you once consumed pages of prose, I now don't care enough to say 'hello'.

I hope if I see you I'll do the same.  Last time I saw you randomly, it was on the F train and after you got off at your stop, I had to sit down with my head between my legs, the wind had literally been knocked out of me and I was dizzy and sick.

People only have an effect on you if you let them. So my goal is to not allow this effect to take place if I see you again.

nix the apathy post

the minute i write it down, for all to see, and all to believe - it becomes false.

i'm still not apathetic.

i probably never will be.

so mad at you for ruining things.

this isn't the way we were supposed to be.

books and authors

Whenever I read a book these days, I always google the author's bio and more and more the author is closer to my age...and that somehow makes me motivated to get moving on my book.  I also notice that, while most people can sit and enjoy a book for what it is...I pick it to pieces..analyzing and basically critiquing it in my head..and ultimately, my inflated ego decides that I can't believe I'm reading this when I could be writing my own novel.

But then when I sit down to go for it, the block is thick and nothing pours out.  Fiction is HARD to right.  I have stories in my head and an imagination that is borderline schizophrenic..but writing fiction is just hard!

Even writing a memoir is hard...I can't seem to do it - all the words sound great in my head..but on paper it's like atrocious word vomit, desperately seeking to be deleted.

Will try again.  Hemingway had a typewriter, which I'm sure expelled mountains of prose that were quickly deserted onto the floor in forms of crumpled papers thought unnecessary.  Yet, somehow his thoughts finally came through in perfect form.  I'm sure mine will too.

Picture of Hemingway's actual desk and actual typewriter above.  

 

praying for apathy

I prayed for apathy and now I think I've gone and gotten it.

I used to imagine what I'd say if I ever saw you next - now I think I'd pull down the shades to my Prada knock-offs and keep walking, imagining I never saw you.  Imagining that I was, yet again, seeing things, seeing people, seeing images that don't exist anymore.

With my clear apathetic head, I see a bit more clearly and this vacant cavity of our lost dear best best friendship has slowly slowly closed.

I only hope it stays that way - - my apathy and closed cavity.

cupcakes and raw foods

today was supposed to be my first day of a trial 10-day raw food detox challenge.

instead, i had a veggie sandwich with cheese, some fries, some veggie chips, and not 1...but..wait for it,  2 cupcakes.

failed day.

to be fair, i tossed most of the icing, ate more of the cake.

will start again tomorrow - 10 days of raw/vegan fare - b/c i will have to do some cooked foods else i can't socialize b/c i can't go out to dinner.  no sugar allowed.

no alcohol - it is useless - well..maybe some wine.  wine is raw - didn't you know?

i will not fail. - day 1 begins tomorrow - !

pretend ex-boyfriend

recently I went to a networking event.  It was a 2 day event where 95% of the crowd was in a serious relationship.  After a while of having the 'oh I'm single' talk - I got bored and began to embellish the truth.  In other words, I began to lie.

girl 1: yeah my boyfriend's pretty old-fashioned so I feel like if we move here we won't live together even though that makes no sense since he would be moving here for me.

me: haha oh man yeah...well that's kind of admirable that he's old-fashioned...rare to find

girl 1: true...so do you have a boyfriend too?

me:   oh... i did..but we ended it  (translation.."no i don't)

girl 1: oh man that sucks!

me: eh nah it's no big deal  (translation.."it's no big deal because it didn't really happen and i can't think of anything more clever to say")

girl 1: oh ok - were you the one who ended it?

me: nah..it was pretty much a mutual decision. (translation..."please refrain from asking me more questions as I am the world's worst liar)

After relaying this conversation full of lies to a friend I got the following response:

friend:  dude!  if you were making up a story, you could have at least come out being the one who ended it!!

me: oh..true.

so there you have it, I'm even nice to my fictional boyfriends...not wanting them to be seen as the dumped..but rather, having us both come out on top (or bottom, depending on how you look at it) as 'mutual dumpers'.

schizophrenia ensues.

my heart's desire

today my heart craved something it rarely ever does.

Ice Cream.

Not frozen yogurt, or a powdery non-fat concoction whipped into an airy frothy cream-like consistency, no.  Ice Cream.  Real, rich, dairy-filled, refined sugar loaded ice cream with chocolate chips, cookie dough, and cocoa intertwined.

Today my heart craved Ben & Jerry's, the icon of all that is gluttonous, creamy, decadent, and overloaded with various sugar-filled flavor concoctions.

And today I allowed it.  I averted my eyes as I passed 2 frozen yogurt stores, darted past the vegan ice cream parlor, and refused to acknowledge the asian-inspired, much lower in calorie sundae shop, as I walked to my destination.  Brightly lit, colorful, calorie-laden Ben & Jerrys.

"1 small cup with 2 big scoops please - Oatmeal Cookie Chunk + Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough."

After a while of imitations, the heart just needs the real thing.

Diversion

For the next several weeks, in an effort to keep myself in check, my blog will be decidedly food-related.

What I'm eating, how I'm eating, and how I'm saving $ in the food realm.

Prose and poetry is great, but food blogging is calling to me.

pulses and heartbeats

i've always liked hearing a man's heartbeat.

from the very first to the current, i've always had a thing for lying with my ear near their heart and hearing the steady 'da-dum da-dum da-dum'

"i can hear your heartbeat", I would say out loud, as if I thought this was a Danielle Steel novel and my quirky fascination with hearing heartbeats was supposed to evoke something more romantic than an "mmm...k" from the person in question.

On Wednesday I used your arm as my pillow, my ear pressing against your forearm, and I could hear your pulse - 'da-dum da-dum DA-da-dum' - one quickened unsteady pulse - I was fascinated.

I pulled my wrist close to my other ear and heard my own pulse.  It was off-beat as well.

I lay there as you slept, listening to our uneven pulses beat together in perfect harmony, and for a moment I couldn't tell whose was whose and for that moment I couldn't tell what was really so different between us.  For that moment, I was oblivious.  Obliviously smitten, my heart refusing my brain to speak out and make me see logic.  

da-dum da-dum da-da-dum - logic is overrated.

mental or physical

i don't know if its mental or physical, but I feel so much better when I stay away from meat-products.

yesterday, I had some green tea pannacotta and chocolate pudding - both were made with eggs and at least one was made with cream.  I also had a salmon maki roll.  The rest of the day my stomach was decidedly in knots.

This morning, I woke up craving a juicy green drink or a salad or something with vitamins, minerals, and water-filled greens.

I purchased a green raw greek salad with avocado and felt alive.  Afterwards, I bought a raw chocolate bar - truth be told, I prefer non-raw chocolate, but I do not prefer the stomachache I get after eating it - so the raw chocolate bar provided me with the antioxidants, nut-protein, and cocoa I needed to quell my craving.

It's really hard for me to save money when there is so much good good food to devour.  I am trying really hard - I think I'm doing a decent job of it.

anyways - back to raw.  I don't know if it's a mental thing, and I'm just getting 'pretend' aches from meat products, but I just feel so good and awake eating 'live' foods.

Plus its hot now, so salads are back in style.

I will attempt the rest of the week in a raw/vegan lifestyle (vegan meaning, maybe some cooked veggies, and possibly veggie sushi rolls, and definitely alcohol of the vino-variety)

will post my thoughts on this next week.

moppy hair and freckles

in route to hoboken, standing on the path, I look down and see below me a short person about 22 years younger than me discussing submarines, bridges, and sunglasses with his father.

This person has a mop of curls covering his head, piercing blue eyes, and possibly freckles.

Dad: So the subway is like the bridge but underwater

little person: like a submarine?

Dad: exactly - it's like we're in a submarine

little person: oo that's weird

Dad: haha true it is kinda weird

other conversations ensued - as I eavesdropped.  

At one point, this wobbly, fairly new to walking, person's head grazed against my forearm and the softest hair i'd ever felt brushed against me.  4 year old product-less and innocent curly moppy hair.

At that moment, I wanted a little person of my own with soft hair to discuss submarines with...my eyes teared up, the subway stopped, and i hurried off to reach my other kid-free 20-somethings and forget about my random urge to procreate.   

i'm probably ovulating, hence the urge.

i need someone new to kiss

I need someone new to kiss.

I'm tired of the same mouth, the same taste, the same hands pulling at my clothes, the same body resting next to mine.

Some say familiarity is comforting - I say its boring.

I'm bored.

Isn't it sad - once you're married or in a long relationship, where does the initial fire go?  That 'got to have you now' feeing only remains for a bit I think...after that I'd think things get too comfortable and boring.  Then again, what do I know?  

All I know is

I need someone new to kiss - I'm getting bored.

i love being busy

i love being busy doing stuff i enjoy doing.

6 months ago i was doing work that, while not horrible, was not exactly what i wanted.

now - the work is plentiful, the hours are unstructured, and the management, while nice, is a bit crazy - - yet i LOVE it. i LOVE it, i LOVE it.  Even when it gets to be too much, even when everything I do doesn't get accolades, I love it b/c it's so me.  

The perfect blend of computer science with art and writing - who would've thought?

It is 1256 - and I am working - I do not get overtime - and I do not care. 

In other news, a well-known magazine read my online articles and wants me to write for them.  

Is this career heaven?  I think so.

fafsa

fafsa and saving $ is like an adventure - saving money and noticing prices ...interesting.

i sound like a brat.

but that's because i am.

well, was.

now i'm a grad-school impending adult.

ya!

scary faced dreams

you look mean in my dreams

like a mean man with bad intentions, your face in my dreams has the scowl i remember and shudder away from

sometimes my dreams show you as kind, like i remember you to be years ago

then i miss you

but the mean looking you in my most recent dream scares me away

i run away in these dreams, i keep running and running till you leave, my subconscious taking another turn in my REM state of mind

i keep running but you keep coming up 

randomly

everywhere

from city to city to dream to dream to email to picture, i see you. 

i just want to feel. Apathy.

an oxymoron indeed.

londonians

London males are just like American males except their accents make everything they say sound dignified and gentlemanly.

If a guy from london wants to kiss you he asks, in perfectly Prince William-esque articulation, "Would it be quite alright if we were to kiss now?"

When a londonian male wants to say a certain group of girls from a certain location are hot, he might say something like, "Girls from Essex are really nice."

Londonian males get away with a lot because the accent is hard to get mad at.

Except when a londonian says the following: Are you going to take my friend home with you, because I do think you should, he quite fancies you.

This is when Londonian males turn into typical boys and it's time for me to go home.

But not before they hail me a cab and I divert from the commonplace cheek kiss.

I'm an American and not just anyone gets to kiss these cheeks, cultural norms be damned.

rum and pineapple juice

rum and rum and juice and juice, makes me dizzy.  The room is spinning and the music is too loud and I think I see you around every corner.  But it's not you, it's some random male who looks like you in my drunken daze.  And if I scrunch up my nose right when I'm about to cry, I can stop the tears  - I've been doing this for months..it's an art I've perfected.  No one sees me cry, they just see the scrunched up nose, as if I'm smelling something foul.

Too much rum and juice makes me dizzy.  I think I see you and actually have a friend in this world.  But then I realize you chose to leave my life - and the dizziness gets sickly, and I need to sit before I puke from the sadness of it all.

Mr. X

Last night Mr. X surprised me with flowers, perfect white daisies, which are my favorite type.  Roses are nice, but for some reasons daisies really make me swoon.

During dinner, Mr. X discusses the economy and politics for a bit and educates me on the info I missed since I replaced CNN with E! news a long time ago.  He doesn't mind my interest in pop-culture and things work well because he is patient and explains everything in a way a really good professor might.  The only issue with Mr. X on this front is that he is very persuasive, so his liberal democratic ideals rub off on me, but I'm fairly liberal and democratic anyways so it's fine.

After dinner, Mr. X and I walk home.  We go upstairs and I begin to read the stack of magazines Conde Nast sends me. They attach each magazine with a press release, hoping I will write a blurb about them in one of my articles.  I like this.  Conde Nast respects me as a journalist, and this appeals to me greatly.  I peruse these articles for the upcoming trends of the season, with the comforting sound of Mr. X's tick-tick-ticking on the laptop.  Mr. X wears glasses when he works, and I find him cutest then.  I kiss him and the edges of the frame pinch me as our faces touch.  I am happy.

After working, we lie in bed together talking about random odds and ends, I fall asleep to his humming as he plays with my hair.

I love Mr. X.

430 pm vs. 300 am

My male of the moment (M.O.T.M.) is interesting.

I have been seeing said male since December now - and by seeing I mean meeting at parties, hanging out at my apartment, and having countless sleepovers which most likely leave him frustrated and me feigning oblivion and naivety toward his frustrations.  I'm a jerk, what can I say?

Recently I decided to make a break from my MOTM because our meetings were beginning to happen later and later in the evening, and by later and later i mean earlier and earlier in the morning.

After my proclamation of 'No more 3 Am calls' was understood, MOTM was a bit shocked at the change of pace.

Today I received a text - 'Want to hang out around 430 after work?'

Meeting a boy at 430 whom you've never seen any earlier than 10pm is a bit nerve-wracking, or maybe I'm just anxiety-prone due to PMS.

Could this MOTM turn into a RWBF?  (i'll let you figure out that abbreviation)

Perhaps I'll respond to his next text msg and let the chips lay as they may.  

All in the span of a day

I find repetitive insensitivity interesting...I also find it to be absolute BS.

I find it interesting.

I find it disgusting that there are people who are so insecure in their own abilities that they have to rain on others' parades to make themselves feel better.

I find it disgusting.

I find it stupid to lie about important things, the truth always comes out and with it comes a storm.

I find it stupid.

I find it sad in a way, that I am growing up and realizing that the world for the most part is full of people who won't stick up for you or be on your side because being diplomatic is much more politically correct than choosing a side and making a statement.

I find it sad...but only in a way, because these too, are lessons that must be learned.

I'm a lioness - we are loyal - we choose the sides of those we care for - political correctness be damned.

Sheeps are diplomatic - too scared to pick a side, they follow the herd, their head to the ground grazing the grass.

A lioness will attack if an animal so much as looks at her cubs in the wrong way - fangs glaring, growls erupting, and the instinct to protect in full motion.

A sheep will run away if an attack is made, hoping to save herself - blaming her disloyalty on her Darwinian concept of survival.

A sheep is a sheep is a sheep.  

I am a lioness and I'm ready to roar.

About a Boy

and by boy - i mean 28 year old man.

This boy-man, we'll call him Greg - proceeds to act as if he is in highschool.  We have had mild to moderate flirtations since the summer of 2005.  In '05 I resisted his advances because I was in love and happy, but in '06 I allowed his flirtatious commentary b/c I was out of love, sad, horny, and hey! - Greg was a cutie.

Cut to '09 - and Greg has finally gathered himself up enough to ask me out to dinner.  Dinner is lovely and he walks me home and that is that.

On-line flirtation ensues as if we are 16 year olds stealthily on 'AOL' while in class.  I get more and more agitated.

Compliments are fed to me and yet actions speak louder than words.

I grow bored and discard him - yet, he seems to keep popping back in - perhaps b/c there are few 'Gregs' around and I would like to end up with a 'Greg'-type - due to our similarities in culture and religion.

I've never dated a 'Greg' - I've dated every other name under the moon...perhaps it's a sign that I should stick to what I know...direct men who call a girl when they like her and take the plunge to be with her.

Time will tell I hope.

pain

 i see pictures of you and i get the qualities of a fever.  I'm hot and cold at the same time, sweating and shivering simultaneously, my stomach twists and turns, and i get dizzy and nauseous.

the pictures are peculiar, because the person in them is someone I don't even know anymore...so then why the fever?  Perhaps it is a fever of memories past. 

Isn't it strange how a person can give you such a violent physical reaction?  I think its crazy~!  I hope I've never given anyone anything close to that.  Perhaps I've broken a few hearts... but I think I've always done it in a pretty good way, so as not to leave a scar so deep its never really healed.

In times like these I like to think - 'If Jennifer Anniston can take it, then so can I!'

what's in a name? a lot.

Today I discovered a missing piece of jewelry.

Deep in the pocket of my comforter-like coat, I found 1 lone diamond encrusted earring with the familiar logo by the 'always a classic' Coco Chanel.  Digging deeper into the pockets I uncovered old movie tickets, gum wrappers, apartment keys, a grocery list, and a folded 20-dollar-bill, but no Chanel.  Scrounging on the floor, separating the fibers of the carpet bit by bit, I aimlessly searched for the proverbial 'needle in a haystack' - yet my conquest led to nothing but a sweater coated with dust bunnies.

Oh Chanel!!  I miss those sparkling diamond-encrusted cc's on my 2nd hole!   The quintessential double C's, how I miss thee.

While I plan to have more Chanel in my future, you know what they say - 

You never forget your first.

hair

my hair is virgin hair.

long and free flowing, dark brown, past my hip bone it flows.

shines when conditioned correctly and soft with the right $200 strengthening product.

i love my hair - it is my signature.

'the girl with the long hair'

i braid it, i pull it up into a chignon, and sometimes do a simple and messy bun

but it's best when it's down and flowing.

scissors scare me and salons are not my friend.

mousse and gel and hairspray are a big no, no , no.

just free flowing freshly washed hair that's been air-dryed - 

that's the only way i go.

stomach hurts

i've been a laze and have skipped the gym for 6 days 

today i barely ate but everything i did eat made my stomach hurt.

stomach hurts and body misses my weights - i shall resume my progress tomorrow.

till then - adieu.

post-secret

today i read the post-secret, and saw one that sounds like something you would say to me...I know it's not yours...but it helps to think it might be.  Perhaps that's the whole point of Post-Secrets anyways.

click for post-secret.

on wine

nothing beats a good glass of wine, lovely food, and even lovelier conversation.

forehead kiss

last time you left me you kissed me on the forehead, hugged me and walked out my door.

i looked in the peep hole after you and saw you waiting for the elevator, part of me wanting to run out and get the answers I craved, and the other part stopping myself, stupidly believing I'd see you again.

Your last words to me were via text message - "I should have stayed, I wish I had."

That was almost 2 years ago.

I've not seen or heard from you since.

Only one question remains, brewed in a pile of sadness anger and hurt - Why?

I don't need the answer, but I want it.  Too bad, we don't always get what we want.

oh that love thing

love is love.

it's strange.  there are some people (very very few) - who can do just about anything to you and you'll just keep loving them.

they can tear you apart, push you down, betray you, hurt you, embarass you, hurt you, hurt you, hurt you, make you so unbelievably awfully sad you don't know what to do with yourself, and yet still you love.

you love them perhaps for who you remember they were.  and you miss that person still.

it's quite annoying actually, this sort of love.

i think i've reserved it only for one.  

and that one so does not deserve it.

but what can i do?

love is love.

and this kind of love is unique.

strange, undeservedly placed, and undoubtedly ridiculous to those who never felt it.

too tough no more

i'm not who i was.

in college i was this girl with a bit of a tom-boy flair - calling guys i liked 'dude' and lightly punching a boy's arm to be flirtatious.

now i'm the cutesy name caller.  recently spouting off terms like 'sweetie', 'love', 'dear', 'sexy', 'babe' in free flowing form - terms i gagged on in college and teased my friends about if i heard leave their lips - these words flow free.

i used to hate the 'oh i'm out with the boy' line girls would use when they had plans with their boyfriend - and now i catch myself using a similar term - 'gonna hang with boy' - feeling that deleting the 'the' makes it less absurd.

i'm the xoxo, smiling giddy, cutesy, hand holding opposite of what i was 4 years ago.

and i LOVE it.  

yay to emotions, exuding them, not being afraid of them, and not even worrying if the person to whom you're showering them onto is scared by them.

free love for all.  passionate love for some.

xoxo...dude. hah!

an excerpt

Sometimes an author writes something that is so exactly how you feel about a certain situation that you can't help but nod in agreement as you read the words, thrilled that somebody, anybody, even this random stranger understands exactly how you feel; thrilled that you're not insane and that someone, in the span of 2 sentences, completely understands where you are coming from.  In honor of this feeling, I give you the following excerpt from the Modern Love section of the New York Times:

"Everything about him turned my heart inside out.  Even now, 10 years since I last saw him, I can hear the thick sadness in his throat, and feel something that is no longer love but remains a kind of sweet sadness for all that was lost."

start-ups

Start-ups turn me on;

the risk, the creativity, the drive, the hunger.

It's sexy and i love being a part of anything sexy.

Start-ups turn me on.

symbolic teas and cable cords

people say cutting the cord early is the best way to go about not getting hurt but i've always been the lingering type; letting that cord steep deep and long till the attachment brews slowly to a strong and tasty flavor that lingers.

cut the cord after it sits, stews, and lingers? or cut it now and miss out on the taste all together?

tough one.

i've clearly lost all sense of reality.

won't delete

Often I delete posts b/c I feel bad about writing them.  I feel bad about the one below.  I won't delete it but i would like to note that I feel bad.

Perhaps it is not desperation, perhaps it is friendship and I can't see it b/c I've been too self-involved and angry at the world to notice that a friend I've known for over a decade needs me for no other reason than to laugh with me for a few hours and to catch up on life.

and that is not unattractive at all.

It's easy to break friendships...very hard to make them.

unattractive

desperation reeks like rotting eggs that stayed in a trash can too long and soaked thru onto the wooden floor, seeping into the cracks, causing the smell to never really go away.

in other words, desperation is unattractive.

alone

i feel like i have no one to talk to about my stuff.

it's not a fun feeling.

i feel like i'm not who i used to be and i'm drifting away.

"u ok?" he asks.

i say i'm fine - and inside i'm just the tiniest bit happy that at least somebody, albeit a friend i rarely see and often altogether avoid, bothered to ask.  

"at least somebody bothered to be bothered", I think, and then all of a sudden all my thoughts are spewing out in line after line of instant messenger for him to read and comment on.  

Peculiar how random friends I rarely see are sometimes the ones I feel closest too.

listen to your body

It's amazing what your body can tell you if you just sit still and listen.

The past 2 weeks or so I've really been trying to attune myself to my body and what it's silently telling me.  If it craves eggs, I whip up an omelet - if it wants a kiwi, I cut up a kiwi.  

I've noticed you can train your body to crave certain things, but at some point it's still going to ache for things your head says 'no' to, at this point - I think it's ok to give in a little.

The other day, I was craving belgian pancakes with dark belgian chocolate and strawberries on top.  I indulged, with no remorse.  Afterwards, I was full all day - but because it had been so many hours, I opted to get lunch - a soup, 1/2 a sandwich, and a carrot cupcake (stupid stupid whim) - I wasn't even craving any of this!  After the soup and sandwich, I was stuffed, but I forced down the cupcake anyways b/c I was upset and bored.  "Silly girl!" - my body screamed via stomach aches the rest of the day.  

Later that day, I had an intense want to swim.  In the middle of winter, with ice and snow covering the ground, I walked home from the pool with wet hair feeling  invigorated.

This post is going all over the place - but basically, it's important to listen to your body.

It's interesting, we often push our bodies to the point of no return.  We get exhausted, we starve ourselves, we binge on the shittiest food, and then finally our body collapses on us.  We get sick, we feel lethargic and all we can do is just fall into our beds and sleep a sound utter sleep, and wake up to more sleepiness.

Proper rest, healthy foods, and a happy mind are key to a healthy body.  - Believe me, I know how hard it is to follow this concept, easy as it may sound, but just think of how much happier we would all be if we did!

conversations with a boy

boy: so are you my girlfriend yet?

me: no no - i can't be your girlfriend..i'll be your friend who's a girl...your friend-girl hah!

later that night..

boy: you're the best friend-girl ever!

i'm a fan of boy.

mercury in my cheez-its.

130 pm - cilantro, greens, and pineapple juice + 1 raw oreo cookie

300 - cut up zucchini sticks, carrot sticks, broccoli florets, red bell pepper sticks with tad of ranch dressing

around the same time: bit of tabouli + mozzarella cheese grated (very little)

430 - small bowl of lentils

930 - warm cashew milk with crushed raw cacao beans

feelings: full, satisfied, healthy, happy.

food really does make a difference.

With the latest study on HFCS (high-fructose corn syrup) , we really can't be sure of what is safe on our grocers' shelves.  Gone are the days where Goldfish Crackers and Chips Ahoy cookies were a legitimate after-school snack. Skeptics out there will say, "Everything in moderation" and "I ate that as a child and I'm fine."  To them all I have to say is, talk to me when you're 65.  While it is sad that our favorite food memories are now defaced with words such as carcinogenic, mercury, trans-fat, and the like, I feel that it is time for this change.  We are an indulgent country.  No other country in the world eats the way the majority of Americans do (yet).  We must limit these indulgences, or create a new society of children and adults who look towards other items as indulgences.  I look forward to the day when a brownie made from raw aztec cocoa nibs, almonds, sesame seeds, and agave syrup is considered the norm; when our local groceries are completely stocked up with Flax Seed crackers, chia seeds, and hemp granola; when a school cafeteria lunch serves 8 oz of almond milk, rich salads, raw pizzas, and green juices!  When our movie theaters offer fresh fruit smoothies and dried fruit and nuts instead of sugar laden slurpees and "butter" laden popcorn.  That will be the day that America will truly change, our children will be free of disease, and our dependance on government-funded health care will be obliterated.

s.a.d.d.

i miss summer desperately.

i miss the heat, i miss the clothes, i miss being able to sit outside with an iced green tea in too-big sunglasses while people watching.  

i miss falling asleep in my sun-room with the door locked, and then waking up an hour later, completely drenched in sweat from all the sun and heat locked up in the room.

i miss playing basketball, badminton, soccer, and riding my scooter all throughout the neighborhood.

i miss humid night walks, where the sounds of the crickets were so loud that you had to speak up in the darkness to be heard.  I even miss mosquito bites received from running in too tall grass in too short shorts! Red itchy bumps covering my ankles and calves symbolizing July.

i miss the neighborhood water ice shop, where the line went out the door and you are bound to run into someone you knew from highschool.

I miss chocolate soft serve in a cone, dripping down my wrist, my arm, then my elbow till it finally drip drip drips on the hot gravel road.

i miss humid nights and sweat-inducing days and cool pools and wet hair air-drying in the summer sun.

i. miss. summer.

rain

My biggest heartaches have been followed by rain.

big, wet, rain drops, covering train tracks, busy streets, and traveling mattresses on top of SUVs.

there's always rain

and i'm a big fan of symbolism.

i really like...

i really like the fact that there's a chance to flirt anytime i go out.  i like options.

i think this is why relationships scare me...b/c then I won't be able to do that anymore..i'll only be able to kiss 1 guy, to bring 1 guy back home, and flirtations with the guy you see day in and day out gets pretty hackneyed.

so i guess it comes down to 2 things:  do i want a committed relationship where someone is always around to hang out with or...do i want random flirtations++ and physical connections that last for a few months each.

honestly...i'm really not sure.  

A relationship is like a really good healthy meal - succulent salmon, perfectly sauteed spinach, wild rice - everything tastes great and you feel good after you eat it, knowing you made a good mature decision.  

but..i've often been the instant gratification type...dessert before dinner, hell dessert FOR dinner.  i want my triple chocolate chip cookie sundae - even though I know I'll feel disgusting after I eat it.

Man..it would be great to find a 100 calorie cookie that tastes as decadent as the real thing....

Maybe I'm just hungry...

Indulge - Less

So this may be something really cool and grow, or it may just be a slew of blogs; but I had this idea today that I can't get out of my head.

I think, as a society, especially as a 20-something city-dweller, we indulge in a lot of habits that aren't necessarily good for us.  So, in an effort to be aware of my addictions, and hopefully tone them down if not obliterate them, I'm going to try removing indulgences from my life one week at a time.  

What I mean by this is that each week I will take some thing, habit, or event out of my life that I generally always have, do, or attend, respectively.  After the week is up, I'll bring it back into my life...but hopefully with a bit more awareness.

So far this is my list of things:

- Chocolate

- Take-out

- Restaurants

- Mojitos/Alcohol

- Blackberry Internet Plan

- E-mail

- Facebook

- Internet

- Sugar

- Dairy 

- TV

- Men - no Contact! for a week ?  and no talking about them for a week!

- Clubs/Lounges/Etc

- Hook-ups - I don't hook-up every week...so maybe I'll make this a month long goal...um..or maybe just a 2 week goal

- Complaining

- Feeling Sad

- Reminiscing

- Getting Angry

That's all I have so far.  It's kind of like Lent I suppose, or even a detox.  I need a little detox from my lifestyle.

In other news, I had milk the past 2 days for the first time in a while, and now I'm feeling sick.  This basically proves to me that Milk does NOT do a body good - and I'm going to attempt soy milk, almond milk, and the like from now on.  The interesting thing is that yogurt, milk's sibling of sorts, does not have this sickly effect on me. This is most likely because of the bacteria in yogurt and the way it is made.

I'm fascinated.  I will start my life detox next week.  First thing to go - Chocolate....

revisions ++

i've been reading the same thing over and over for the past 3 weeks - editing here, revising there, deleting whole paragraphs, then putting them back in - now i just feel like i'm reading lines of jibberish, i'm dissecting it so much that it's lost its jist.

sometimes the first draft is the best.

tiresome

ny - with its raucous crowd of pedestrians who seem to feel they are allowed to say whatever they want to whomever - is starting to get more than just a little under my skin.

no i will not smile, random drunken collegiate on the street.

yes i will give you an 'attitude'-esque look - frightening girl who stands in the middle of sidewalk blocking my way

don't push me don't shove me stopstopstopstop.

i'm tired of yelling at strangers, at rude cab drivers, at horrible waitresses who don't deliver my food for hours and then deliver the wrong items.

i'll take park avenue and 5th - with its delicious avant garde couture ensembles; shoes dripping with swarovski, bags from bendel, fabulous fendi, glamourous gucci!  

everything else is irritating.  random hipsters peeing on sidewalks, screaming drunks ruining my slumber, rude rude people everywhere! 

kitschy used to be cool until it got old.

2009

stop dwelling on the past.

tis the goal of the year and thus my blog may be showcasing some changes.  the typical 'woe is me' posts may or may not be replaced with posts of a varying variety.  

but for my emo-readers out there, don't worry - i'm sure a few tear-jerkers will still make it on these pages.

happy '09~!